tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8727699872103932572024-02-07T22:11:00.818-08:00Out of the woods"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.
It's the life in your years."Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.comBlogger450125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-12211076253101667692013-07-08T06:45:00.004-07:002018-01-04T17:41:03.432-08:00Sunshine, Angel, Rainbow<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-62128342153454133822013-03-28T08:04:00.001-07:002013-03-28T08:04:45.079-07:00Whipped Cream Paints!Easy way to pass a cold winter (or spring if you're in Illinois) day with the kids! Mix one or two drops of food coloring in a cup with a few squirts of whipped cream. Strip the kids, put them in the tub and hand them some paintbrushes. Yummy, sticky and creative fun! And cleanup? Is a cinch since they're already in the tub!<br />
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<br />Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-74591653855404398782013-03-28T08:00:00.002-07:002013-03-28T08:00:43.370-07:00Happy Rainbow Post Of Fluffy BunniesAlright. Okay. I'm going to stop writing about depression shit and start writing about happy, fluffy bunnies and rainbows today.<br />
<br />
Not really, but I will share some insights on my lovely little babies.<br />
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Sadie: She is officially the big 5 and is so smart. She's been reading for about 6 months now and is getting better and better every day. We are going to register for kindergarten in a few weeks (WHAT?) and she is really excited to ride the big girl bus to school. I'm always proud of her for being awesome.<br />
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Landon: He is talking more and more as each day passes. His favorite words? Truck, truck and truck. But he's also starting to piece two and three words together and we've even been getting an "I wuv ooo" out of him once in a while. He is a giggly, happy, silly and spirited 1-year-old boy. And I love him with all my heart.<br />
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Exciting stuff, I know :)Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-1072044412003998032013-03-26T05:33:00.001-07:002013-03-26T05:34:12.199-07:00Reflections in the windowIt's not that I haven't had the time to write here more often, now that I think about it - I just don't have the energy to do it.<br />
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For once, I'm up early and it's quiet and I'm alone. I was standing in the kitchen making my coffee and found myself looking at the reflection staring back at me in the window. I don't know her. I really don't know her at all.<br />
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This is all I can give right now. It's pathetic.<br />
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<br />Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-87561170786633031042013-01-30T09:41:00.000-08:002013-01-30T09:41:19.754-08:00They have it better, at least. It's been way too long and I've completely put off any writing here for fear of making public the secrets that will likely haunt my family for the rest of our lives.
Every single day is a struggle. I can barely function. I'm losing my memory. And at night, I am haunted by dreams that are so vivid I wake up purely exhausted.
I've been off the Ambien for a few weeks, but I'm not sure it's been a good idea - those pesky dreams.
Erik's been unbelievably busy at the office which has left me home alone to fend for myself. We are really busy, but there are too many days where it takes every ounce of what's in me to simply roll out of bed and change a diaper.
I wish I didn't sound as sad and depressed as I do, but fact is - I just am. The way my life has been flipped upside down and taken over by ghosts isn't how I had it planned.
The only thing I can assure myself over and over is that my kids have it better. They have it better than we both did and I will continue to make damn sure of that for as long as they let me.
Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-45762994990089998142012-08-29T06:08:00.000-07:002012-08-29T06:08:17.080-07:00My interview with Sadie<b>What is something that makes mommy happy? </b>
Sadie: Sawyer
<b>What is something that makes mommy sad?</b>
Sadie: Sawyer
<b>How does mommy make you laugh?</b>
Sadie: Tickles!
<b>What was mommy like as a child?</b>
Sadie: Like me!
<b>How old is mommmy?</b>
Sadie: 30 or 32
<b>How tall is mommy?</b>
Sadie: Really, really REALLY TALL
<b>What is mommy's favorite thing to do?</b>
Sadie: Play with me. Mommy? Can you play with us???
<b>What does mommy do when you're not around?</b>
Sadie: Go to grandma's
<b>
What is mommy really good at?</b>
Sadie: Baseball and soccer
<b>
What is mommy not very good at?</b>
Sadie: The Cubs
<b>
What does mommy do for her job?</b>
Sadie: Dishes
<b>
What is mommy's favorite food?</b>
Sadie: Pancakes
<b>
If mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be?</b>
Sadie: Strawberry Shortcake
<b>
What do you and mommy do together?</b>
Sadie: We play and we love little baby brothers
<b>
How are you and mommy the same?</b>
Sadie: Same hands (which is so true by the way!)
<b>How are you and mommy different?</b>
Sadie: Our hairs are different and our arms are different
<b>
How do you know mommy loves you?</b>
Sadie: Because you show the good way to love people.
<b>
Where is mommy's favorite place to go?</b>
Sadie: The museum and the mall!
Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-59612915085192786302012-07-26T07:12:00.000-07:002012-07-26T07:12:52.431-07:00366 daysLandon can clap his hands.
He can say hi, "what's that," mama, dada and scream - a LOT.
He runs.
If you ask him to go in a circle, he will spin in place.
He does SO BIG and we taught him how to do "earmuffs" - it's pretty cute.
The past 12 months has flown by. I'm so proud of my little boy!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Here's what you'll need:
1 lb lean ground turkey (or beef)
1 cup dried bread crumbs
1 cup milk
1 egg
1/2 tsp Garlic Salt
1/2 Onion - diced
1/2 Green Pepper - diced
1/2 Cup Carrots - diced
Salt and Pepper (to taste)
*Preheat Oven To 375 degrees*
What I do first - which seems to set the meatloaf apart from other recipes I've tried - is to saute the onions, green pepper and diced carrots in 1/2 tsp garlic salt. It really seals in the flavor and cooks up the veggies good before mixing with the meat. I saute them in a dash of olive oil for about 5-10 minutes, just enough to soften and mix the flavors together.
The rest is pretty simple! Mix the turkey, bread crumbs, milk, and egg with the veggie mix in a large bowl. Finally, add a few dashes of salt and pepper to taste.
Finally, spray muffin tin with cooking spray so that the meatloaf muffins don't stick and scoop meat mixture into the cups!
Bake at 375 for 40-45 minutes.
You can also add your own sauce on top. Some people prefer gravy - I make a simple, sweet sauce on top. Mixing ketchup, mustard and brown sugar until it's as sweet as we like in this house. Let me know what you use for your topping! Happy cooking :)Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-34544406143383051052012-07-12T05:15:00.002-07:002012-07-12T05:15:46.178-07:00....... knows bestI won't let your actions define me.
I hate what you did to all of us.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-40511923276785864822012-07-12T05:13:00.001-07:002012-07-12T05:13:27.028-07:00Too many things have taken me away from you.
Every single time I feel as if I'm getting to a better place with my grief, some sort of life-shattering event consumes my life.
And that is the way it has been for months now.
Again, I haven't had the time or the energy to work through what I so desperately need to work through in order to get to a good place without you in my life.
So, now - as it always seems - we go back to a new "square one." <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhunSVpvBGc5tkawBk1bcLmVtkT1ya2pMJzC-6u7Av-5bBwrTANPcbf8ZTJUtig4EyFYORz5Dhshw0L8qvkKuCAx8wDUmpMQbHsvkvcxgT1lbLIE1UZ8DCdZeyikprNwCV6VVf2_rN_FHc/s1600/023.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="300" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhunSVpvBGc5tkawBk1bcLmVtkT1ya2pMJzC-6u7Av-5bBwrTANPcbf8ZTJUtig4EyFYORz5Dhshw0L8qvkKuCAx8wDUmpMQbHsvkvcxgT1lbLIE1UZ8DCdZeyikprNwCV6VVf2_rN_FHc/s400/023.JPG" /></a></div>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-76295604851708895082012-07-12T04:55:00.000-07:002012-07-12T04:55:42.002-07:00Landon's First Birthday!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqAGhcTx_ojsx3EVImKyE4YqCXsv1FGPK8YkizK8v05-WFU1dPsb0WHgxSIGRBSLSuyflmaXIZgHkmPw4uisSt6vIb70C6bguoK2N6WCIU-satRCHmPS6wGr1EVrT5moKBEeZu0oLcawI/s1600/IMG_0756.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="267" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqAGhcTx_ojsx3EVImKyE4YqCXsv1FGPK8YkizK8v05-WFU1dPsb0WHgxSIGRBSLSuyflmaXIZgHkmPw4uisSt6vIb70C6bguoK2N6WCIU-satRCHmPS6wGr1EVrT5moKBEeZu0oLcawI/s400/IMG_0756.JPG" /></a></div>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-16433550904881203062012-05-24T15:58:00.001-07:002012-05-24T16:07:06.825-07:0010 months and 4 years (and counting!)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am LONG overdue for an update on Landon and Sadie. Life has spiraled out of control and I'm trying to right myself and cherish this precious time with my babies before it's too late. I won't let anyone take that away from me...
Let's get down to business.
Sadie: Oh where do I start? She has finished her first year of preschool and grown about 3 inches in that same time! She has grown by leaps and bounds compared to this time last year. And to think we were worried that she would cry and throw a fit when we dropped her off at school for the first time. She never cried once.
Sadie's progress report from school was fantastic. My little girl has been through a lot this year yet she continued to excel in all areas. In the fall, she starts at a special preschool that she qualified for through the county. It's every single day (just like kindergarten) but her teacher, Miss Patti, said this would be PERFECT for Sadie. And away we go with it!
It's been a joy to watch her play and interact with her brother this year too. As Landon becomes more mobile and independent, they are both relying on each other the way a brother and sister should. She loves Landon very much and loves to imagine and make-believe with him all the time. I'm so proud of the little girl she's grown into.
Landon: My sweet baby boy is growing up so fast, on his way to becoming not-so-much a baby any more. He's almost 11 months old and has been walking for a few weeks now. He has almost mastered the sippy cup (ADIOS BOTTLES!) and loves to play with anything that has wheels - even his sister's Strawberry Shortcake car!
Landon still has issues with dairy so we aren't going there again until he's at least 2 years old when we'll get allergy testing done. For now, it's still prescription formula. He's not so much a picky eater, but doesn't eat very much. He loves all of Mommy's homemade food. His faves are: applesauce, green beans, sweet potatoes and oyster crackers!
Landon has a fantastic smile and giggle. He is full of life and happiness and I truly believe there is a reason God gave him to us last. He brings us so much joy and I can't imagine my life without him.
Sawyer's 2nd birthday is quickly approaching. The days are going to be hard, and I feel like I can truly mourn his death this year - unlike last year when I was pregnant. There is a huge hole missing our lives without him, but the things we have been doing in his memory to help families like ours has been incredibly humbling. For his birthday, we will be having another balloon release at the cemetery and a pizza party with cake. The next day, we head up to Michigan for an entire week to reflect on his life and spend time together as a family.
Hopefully I won't be so behind in updating what's been going on with the kids. At least for my sake. I think I'm the only person who reads this blog!Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-66901912435009054982012-02-19T04:55:00.001-08:002012-02-19T04:55:40.287-08:00Consideration, pleaseWe visited the cemetery today and - like always - carefully tended to our son's grave. We go to see Sawyer often. Probably more than most people think. The shock of his death has only very recently worn off, and there are still days where we feel completely numb all over again.
I wish that people would be more considerate of our healing. That people would take a few seconds to think before they say so many things that can be so incredibly hurtful - not just to me and Erik, but to my children too.
I had to hold my son and watch him die. Imagine that. Just try to imagine watching your child slowly die in your arms. So forgive me if I'm taking too long in grieving his life. Because even if I lived on this planet for all of eternity, I'd never get over it.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-69195805640462430692012-02-16T22:47:00.001-08:002012-02-16T22:47:32.843-08:00Without himI am so sad.
Without him...
I can't get off this merry-go-round of sad.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-8911442007092684232012-01-16T15:20:00.001-08:002012-01-16T15:22:48.079-08:00Loving-Kindness<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE3vjJav0dxO6YvygQx7S_ivvKQ_3TMvnwqh06CJOTnV0EDj-uwzJIwyt9cMvx5FiWpL5i78DTM0YHvbf9poEtXTlKIcBduQksjCgriZOoK1BXl746k9stIWa5qS1GsTDZV4YGdFH5MP4/s1600/bhante.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE3vjJav0dxO6YvygQx7S_ivvKQ_3TMvnwqh06CJOTnV0EDj-uwzJIwyt9cMvx5FiWpL5i78DTM0YHvbf9poEtXTlKIcBduQksjCgriZOoK1BXl746k9stIWa5qS1GsTDZV4YGdFH5MP4/s400/bhante.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5698374043414503410" /></a><br />We can't give love to others until we can purposefully give love to ourselves with all of our mind. <br /><br />For the first time in almost two years, I told myself that I was well, happy and peaceful.<br /><br />In that moment, while the sun was setting - I loved who I was. <br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">And right now, at this moment? I miss feeling that way more than anything in the world. </span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-17589324672423647762012-01-06T18:45:00.000-08:002012-01-06T19:01:51.162-08:00Ticking away the moments<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUg5FxW_XnmcWMy7is-P-LTyq5_oliey29hIwUiVPvTtMEfZEe2N7U0Pt1VzIF8H1sbxSUJj7DcxXxM-XNMjP95G1z_YcQp5k1ffpKuCIXZ1-gRUEjGVMqsXd-KqdiQqyDYeiE28gS2Ow/s1600/IMG_8455.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUg5FxW_XnmcWMy7is-P-LTyq5_oliey29hIwUiVPvTtMEfZEe2N7U0Pt1VzIF8H1sbxSUJj7DcxXxM-XNMjP95G1z_YcQp5k1ffpKuCIXZ1-gRUEjGVMqsXd-KqdiQqyDYeiE28gS2Ow/s400/IMG_8455.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694719679985007442" /></a><br />I swear to God I've had literally no time to post here - or maybe I should say - limited time - since Landon arrived a little over 6 months ago.<br /><br />Did I just write that? Six months? <br /><br />Here are some random Lando stats:<br /><br />Allergic to milk-protein and soy<br />On expensive, prescription formula <br />Already had a UTI and Pertussis (lucky me!)<br />Has TWO teeth that came in on the same day<br />Can say "mama" "dada" "nana" "lala"<br />Rolls from one place to another<br />His favorite toy is the Jumperoo<br />Loves taking naps with mommy<br /><br />I couldn't be happier the past few months. Now that we've figured out some of Landon's quirks, likes and dislikes - it's been pretty smooth-sailing. <br /><br />Sadie has taken on the role of "big sister" in ways that I never could have imagined. She loves her brother so much and looks forward to the moment he wakes up in the morning and every time he wakes up from a nap. He is enthralled with watching her play and showing him how things work. They are going to be best friends, and I am so grateful that they will have each other for the rest of their lives. <br /><br />I still feel that so much is missing. Yesterday I took a nap with Sadie and Landon in my bed and Sadie asked me to lay Sawyer's blanket across all three of us. It was a moment where that crowded bed suddenly felt so empty. My mind wandered to my sweet baby boy, what would he look like? What would he be like? Would he have blonde hair like his brother or bright, blue eyes like his sister? I wish I could know. I ache to know every day.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-26863595764877613332011-09-26T08:38:00.000-07:002011-09-26T08:40:04.783-07:001 year, 3 months and 26 daysIt still feels like yesterday.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-8087861446353144122011-08-11T20:49:00.000-07:002011-08-11T20:58:23.441-07:00"Get over it"I will never get over Sawyer's life or his death...
<br />
<br />I will never get over making the decision to end my son's life.
<br />
<br />I will never get over how it felt to hold a brand new baby in my arms, and watch him slowly die.
<br />
<br />I will never get over the way he gasped for air and kept fighting for his life, while my husband and I watched in horror and disbelief, that he kept fighting to live.
<br />
<br />I will never get over his nurse checking over and over to hear when his tiny, broken heart finally stopped beating.
<br />
<br />I will never get over knowing that the last time I saw his sweet face and touched his soft skin, was when I had to put him into a tiny, black box from the funeral home.
<br />
<br />I will never get over you, sweet baby. Never.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-87999991193672922072011-07-18T06:13:00.000-07:002011-07-18T06:19:14.336-07:00Brothers<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3ztGGsTffw_sxiLoJEAThi89dE2_PINbsFonJjpAnUpW72OTltMd7yNdPheA3tOt_sU-1jeZ3P2kH3deLX_vtAuPbeTH6Zd2vWtHM5napsBQ4HLW8K__TYOtkxiQQa11V1eURdfteHTg/s1600/039.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3ztGGsTffw_sxiLoJEAThi89dE2_PINbsFonJjpAnUpW72OTltMd7yNdPheA3tOt_sU-1jeZ3P2kH3deLX_vtAuPbeTH6Zd2vWtHM5napsBQ4HLW8K__TYOtkxiQQa11V1eURdfteHTg/s400/039.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5630680619797423234" /></a><br />Every time I look at Landon when he's asleep, I cry. Most of the time, it's just for a moment - But there are some days, where the tears just won't stop. <br /><br />He looks just like his brother.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-31323449429191706322011-07-10T09:19:00.001-07:002011-07-10T09:19:48.429-07:00Photo Card<div class="sflyProductPreviewWidget" style="width:425px; height:605px;"><div class="sflyProductPreviewWidgetTop" style="height:6px; background-image:url(http://cdn.staticsfly.com/img_/share/preview/msc/widget/top.gif);"></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewWidgetCenter" style="height:555px; padding: 0 6px 0 6px; background-image:url(http://cdn.staticsfly.com/img_/share/preview/msc/widget/bg.gif); background-repeat:repeat-y;"><div class="sflyProductPreviewLogo" style="width: 105px; height: 34px; padding: 14px 0 30px 14px;"><img src="http://cdn.staticsfly.com/img_/share/preview/msc/widget/logo.gif"></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewContainer" style="height:350px; text-align:center; padding: 0 0 30px 0;"><a href="http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYuGzVs5aMmjiY&cid=SFLYOCWIDGET&eid=115"><img src="http://images-community.shutterfly.com/prs/v1/0AYuGzVs5aMmig/0AYuGzVs5aMmiuLA/p/67b0de21b3127d902548/JPEG/1310314778000/0/"></a></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewMessageContainer" style="height:55px; background-color:#f4f4e9; text-align:center; padding: 15px 0 15px 0; line-height: 19px;"><div class="sflyProductPreviewTitle" style="font-family: arial, sans-seris; font-size: 15px; color: #333333; font-weight: bold;"><span>Whoo's That Blue Baby Announcements</span></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewSEOText" style="font-family: arial, sans-seris; font-size: 13px; color: #333333;"><span>Announcements for all occasions: <a href="http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/announcements/graduation-announcements style="color: #6666cc;">graduation</a>, a new baby, or wedding.</span></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewViewCollection" style="font-family: arial, sans-seris; font-size: 13px; color: #333333;"><span>View the entire <a href="http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery" style="color: #6666cc;">collection</a> of cards.</span></div><img width="1" height="1" border="0" src="https://os.shutterfly.com/b/ss/sflyshareprod/1/H.15/111?pageName=sharekey&c1=msc&c2=blogger" /></div></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewWidgetBottom" style="height:6px; background-image:url(http://cdn.staticsfly.com/img_/share/preview/msc/widget/bottom.gif);"></div></div>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-88044626476595905732011-07-06T05:30:00.001-07:002011-07-06T05:48:07.877-07:00Waves of emotion<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBM6HYs5218BZRbutcymoteSVW5YPv2zyVpjLxGgHofjiXt3l82YYn7QfhsG98j5_-bHB2fIu2sQvDbgoa5TF4bZfUwjMvgVYOUMY52lQj77L2oSNe6zj4xi5oSThD-CKtMrk693ziKfQ/s1600/Landon+Sawyer+Williams+047.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBM6HYs5218BZRbutcymoteSVW5YPv2zyVpjLxGgHofjiXt3l82YYn7QfhsG98j5_-bHB2fIu2sQvDbgoa5TF4bZfUwjMvgVYOUMY52lQj77L2oSNe6zj4xi5oSThD-CKtMrk693ziKfQ/s400/Landon+Sawyer+Williams+047.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5626219925038327186" /></a><br />The past few days since Landon's arrival have been some of the most joyous of my entire life. At the same time, I've been overwhelmed with some very deep feelings of guilt. <br /><br />A few hours after Landon was born, I was finally taken up to the postpartum floor along with Erik. I hadn't even thoght about it, or anticipated anything - but once the doors opened and we were rolled onto the floor - a tsunami-sized wave of emotion washed over me. <br /><br />I couldn't answer simplest questions from the nurses. All I could do was cry and point toward Erik so that he could do it for me. Everything was a reminder of what we had lost. <br /><br />Now that we've been home for a few days, there are some moments where Erik and I catch ourselves gazing at Landon and we just cry. Cry for the light and hope in our lives and cry for what we've lost. <br /><br />I'm sure most couples who have a baby don't start off conversations the way we do...<br /><br />"When he's sleeping, he looks just like his brother did after he died, doesn't he?"<br /><br />I truly believe that each one of my children were given to us for a reason. No matter what, Sawyer was going to be our son - and like his epitath says "Angel, you were born to fly." <br /><br />And now that Landon is here, I truly believe in that sentiment even more.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-91670666834707182442011-07-04T14:16:00.000-07:002011-07-04T14:24:18.923-07:00Landon Sawyer Williams<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtwFaFtCSOurofPBTre5NLMd_uwkMO6wfyA5FJJ4pdnmRaAbXixMAlpo61xlp8v9SdeOvyMWaXvUaS3w77sNunzI4hVEcvGVFblfszL5-iHxUXjdJUN0qDKGJcypikLgYMdh1C4MKfbyk/s1600/269786_2089622115117_1082156369_32373422_2179036_n.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtwFaFtCSOurofPBTre5NLMd_uwkMO6wfyA5FJJ4pdnmRaAbXixMAlpo61xlp8v9SdeOvyMWaXvUaS3w77sNunzI4hVEcvGVFblfszL5-iHxUXjdJUN0qDKGJcypikLgYMdh1C4MKfbyk/s400/269786_2089622115117_1082156369_32373422_2179036_n.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625610182243608530" /></a><br /><em>Born June 30th, 2011 at 5:10 p.m. - 6lbs 7oz and 20 inches long. Our son.</em>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-26778873925477910822011-06-17T07:33:00.001-07:002011-06-17T07:45:16.462-07:00When it hits youI always check on Sadie before I go to sleep. <br /><br />I never did that until everything happened, and I honestly don't know if I'll ever stop checking on her.<br /><br />Last night I quietly walked into her room, pulled a pink blanket away from her face and gave her a soft kiss.<br /><br />Her cheek was warm and soft. Perfect for kissing. And then it hit me.<br /><br />Sawyer's cheeks. <br /><br />When I kissed them - they were cold. Sunken in. <br /><br />The thought of it made me gasp. <br /><br />I never knew what it felt like to kiss his face when it was warm. <br /><br />I try to think about the new baby and what it will be like to hold him in my arms. But I can't imagine it. As hard as I try, I can't see it at all. Maybe it's my head protecting my heart. Maybe I'm just completely paranoid and it's useless to try and make me feel better about the way I just <em>feel</em>.<br /><br />After I closed Sadie's door, I sat on the floor in the hallway and just cried. My poor baby, those tiny cheeks.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-13322347398838902602011-06-02T21:56:00.001-07:002011-06-02T22:10:35.082-07:00If I only knew...I thought we were doing well. <br /><br />Today, was <em>hard</em>. Such a small word to describe the enormous pain of reliving every moment of one tiny life. <br /><br />I feel so much guilt. <br /><br />We were getting ready to go to bed and I couldn't remember if I prayed the night before he died. I looked at Erik - my eyes filling with tears, "Did I even pray? I must not have prayed hard enough."<br /><br />How many times did we visit the NICU on his second day? Was it really only three? What kind of mother visits her sick, premature son only three times in an entire day? I never should have left his side. I<em> wouldn't</em> have ever left his side if I knew...<br /><br />The last visit we had with him was perfect. I held onto his tiny hand and stroked his delicate cheek. I remember talking with his nurse, we were all so hopeful for Sawyer. <br /><br />The last thing I said to my baby was that I was sorry for not being there more. That every single day I would be able to visit longer and longer as my body healed from the c-section.<br /><br />It was so hard to leave him that night because he looked so good. His color, his stats - he was stable for the first time since he was born. We went to sleep with peaceful minds, thinking that we had better rest up because the coming weeks and months that were ahead of us were going to be long. <br /><br />If I only knew...Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872769987210393257.post-27089249021249447802011-05-31T21:13:00.000-07:002011-05-31T21:23:00.396-07:00Tuesday morningToday felt like the day.<br /><br />Tuesday.<br /><br />The day after Memorial Day.<br /><br />A trip up to the hospital.<br /><br />The last time we did the exact same thing on the exact same day, it all started.<br /><br />I was awoken out of my sleep when my water broke. I was half-dazed, walking to the bathroom and could feel my pants starting to soak with fluid. I thought I had urinated on myself at first. <br /><br />When I turned the light on, I looked down to notice that my pants were tinged with a pinkish color. I smelled them. It smelled like nothing at all. I knew what happened.<br /><br />Erik had been sleeping on the couch because he had a terrible cough just like me. I punched him hard in the back to wake him up. I had him smell my pants too. Same thing, nothing. <br /><br />I was terrified and shaking. Erik called my mom and told her she needed to get to the house, now. I - and I still have no idea why - took a shower. I felt that I absolutely had to take a shower first before we could leave. Besides, we had time - no one was here yet to watch Sadie.<br /><br />While I was in the shower, Erik had tried to call our friends - Carrie and Mike - a few times (they live just a few doors down from us) but there wasn't an answer. So he ran down to their house and rang their doorbell until someone came downstairs. Carrie was here just minutes later as we were ready to walk out the door.<br /><br />I will never forget how scared I was at that exact moment - Carrie gave me a huge hug. <br /><br />I remember the sound of my shoes as they pounded down the stairs out to the garage. I remember driving in the darkness and silence all the way to Chicago. I remember Erik pulling into the parking garage, desperately telling the attendant that I was in labor - where do we park? I remember, with each contraction, thinking that we were never going to make it to the hospital. <br /><br />We did make it. And for that time, we were still okay - together. Three hearts beating.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15710038316098143052noreply@blogger.com0