Michelle in Words

Maybe baby?

2009-12-20T20:27:00.000-08:00

Every single day that goes by I am "feeling" more and more pregnant. My back aches, my boobs hurt, I have total morning sickness (not full-blown or nearly as bad as before). How could I not be at this point? Still have to wait 10 long days. I want to sleep, wake up and have it be the day we find out. In the meantime, I'll be praying to St Gerard (thanks S)

Mammer and Mommy time

2009-12-17T20:39:00.000-08:00

This is what Sadie and I did today:

- Went to Alsip Nursery to look at the puppies
- Spent 20 minutes tossing pennies into fountains and making wishes
- Had our first-ever meal delivered on train wheels
- Snuggled
- Went to Jump-Up and jumped...a lot.
- Tickled each other
- Saw our neighbor's awesome Christmas display.
- Shared a scoop of chocolate ice cream.
- Giggled like we knew something no one else did.
- Smiled.

The VBAC issue...

2009-12-17T05:36:00.000-08:00

In the midst of everything else, I forgot to write about my chances of having a VBAC which are looking slim at this point. The scarring from the original csection is pretty thick, so just based on that alone the doctor most-likely won't do a VBAC.

I really don't give a shit at this point either. Is that terrible?

Not a good appointment today

2009-12-16T15:21:00.000-08:00

This is my therapy. Writing about what is going on is the only way I'm going to be able to deal with everything.

Had my first appointment today with my new doctor at the University of Chicago. We had the ultrasound first, then about a 40-min session with the nurse to get my history and then a long wait for the doctor. After about 20 minutes, the nurse came into the room and said that the doctor wanted to see me in her office, which at that moment - I knew something was wrong.

The ultrasound showed nothing. Now, it's early in the pregnancy (I'm about 5 weeks) but she said that they would at least have seen the amniotic sac by now. So the doctor kept pressing about the date of my last period (thinking I might be off which is why we didn't see anything) but the date was firm and she didn't seem too optimistic.

She said either I'm pregnant and VERY early or pregnant but something is very wrong. So I have to wait two weeks and then go back for another ultrasound to confirm what's going on. I have to watch for bleeding/cramping and she didn't even start me on the Lovenox injections which has me very concerned. She just told me to take a baby aspirin once a day and wait.

I can say that seeing Sadie after this appointment was the best remedy for a broken heart. No matter what, I'm thankful to God for such a loving, beautiful daughter. But, I can't say that the whole day was very bittersweet.

I posted my experience within the "Factor V Leiden and Pregnancy" group on Yahoo and am hoping and praying for similar stories with happy outcomes. I'm trying to remain very positive and at least I know I can get pregnant at this point.

The doctor was night and day compared to my old OBGYN. Things would definitely go a lot differently this time around as far as how we approach labor and delivery. A VBAC is only possible based off the amount of scarring on the incision too so I'm hopeful about that.

I'm so sad and angry and scared. My emotions are jumping all over the place. I'm trying not to stress out in case everything is okay, but it's really hard not to. We've been through some horrible things in the past, and we've turned out okay - just very blessed to have such an understanding husband in my life.

Hopefully my next update will be a happy one. Praying for a miracle

The return of Baby W.

2009-12-15T18:13:00.001-08:00

For those of you who actually read this blog (if any) I have a little bit of big news! I'm pregnant!

We were lucky on our first try and beyond happy. I think I'm even happier than last time just because I KNOW what to expect, how to stand up for myself and when to tell the doctor that they are just plain wrong.

Anywho, we're due sometime at the end of next summer, but the baby could come much sooner than that due to the usual complications from Factor V Leiden.

Keep it quiet till I post on my Facebook - which will probably be tomorrow if the ultrasound looks good. We'll take all the prayers we can get too for a much, MUCH better pregnancy and a HEALTHY baby.

Flashback

2009-11-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

I find myself literally daydreaming as I hunker down behind the wheel of my mom-mobile, carseat in the back with the iconic "Baby on Board" sign hanging in the window.

Certain songs can take me back in an instant. Back to my early 20s and the life I led without responsibilities, a disposable income and the freedom to do anything, anytime, anywhere.

Maybe some look back and regret that they didn't do enough. I reflect on my memories - some fondly, others not-so-much. But all those moments brought me to this exact instant. I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't have done more or less. I lived life, and I had fun.

Nowadays, I'm living a different life. And the past 3 years have been more real than any other part of life I've lived. It may have to do with the fact that I feel I've gone through more than most 75-year-olds or it could just be as simple as waking up in the morning, next to your own child in bed - her bright eyes twinkling - she reaches up, hugs you and says "Hi Mommy."

Trust me, all of my moments are not so Hallmark. In fact, the Hallmark moments are hard to come by. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself and feel lonely. To feel misused or that you aren't living life to your full potential as you parent 24-7. Then I stop to think about how I became the person I am. Someone taught me my ABC's, right from wrong, how to tie my shoes. Little things indeed, but I know I've learned the greatest lessons in life from those who have lived them too - who understand you, and who know you more than anyone else. Can't deny that. It's in your blood whether you like it or not. I guess it's how you use it that counts.

Jackasses

2009-10-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

If you don't want your picture taken, at a wedding, where you are dancing on a TABLE - that's your problem NOT mine.

H1N1 and the Williams Family

2009-10-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

My worst fear (at the moment) came true on Thursday around 3 a.m. when we were told that Sadie had somehow contracted Influenza Type A aka Swine Flu aka H1N1. I knew in my heart - probably a super-mommy power - about a day before that she was getting sick. And I also knew that it wasn't going to be good.

In the couple of days leading up to the flu diagnosis, Sadie had been waking up screaming for no reason at all in the middle of the night. A sure sign that some sort of yucky bug has invaded her body and set up camp.

For the past few weeks, I wouldn't say I've been worrying about the H1N1 flu virus, probably more on the verge of panicking over it. I called and put her on a wait list at the pediatrician. Kept up tabs on the local county health clinics and their availability of the injectable vaccine. Finally, Will County pulled through and started their first clinic on Wednesday. Right around the same time Sadie started to not feel so hot.

And it was as fast as they say. She had a runny nose in the morning, but was otherwise playful, talkative...her normal self. I put her down for a nap around noon and she slept until 4 pm. It was my 30th birthday, so I spent her naptime cleaning up the house before my parents and sister stopped by later that evening.

Sadie woke up from her nap cranky, nothing unusual after a long slumber. I popped in Finding Nemo and spent the next half hour getting food set out for my guests.

She suddenly started to cough - a very dry, nasty cough - so I took her temperature. It was a low 99 degrees. I gave her some Motrin for the second time that day (when she gets a runny nose, I try to give her something for the pain because she always gets an ear infection). This was around 4 oclock.

Family came over, and Sadie was having a great time. Around 8 oclock, she suddenly looked glassy-eyed, tired and very cranky. And darn that pesky cough. We gave her another dose of Motrin and put her to bed.

Around 9:30 she woke up in bed. Not crying, but whimpering. She was burning up. So we took her temperature and couldn't believe it was 103 degrees. My mommy instincts kicked in and with her history, I decided to just take her straight to the ER. Definitely glad I did.

So it's been a couple of days and the fever has yet to break. Sadie's been holding up pretty good despite the high temps and Tylenol suppositories (poor thing) and she actually downed her entire dose of Tamiflu last night.

I'm sure Erik and I will be getting it soon. I already have a low-grade fever and my neck is killing me. I just hope we don't get it as bad.

So, how did the paranoid mom end up with a swine flu baby? We hadn't taken her out in weeks - no play dates, no shopping trips - nothing. I'm sure somehow someway, we forgot to sanitize our hands one time or maybe someone's sneeze floated into our personal space. Who knows? I guess you can't spend all your time worrying. But just do the best you can and hope that it works out.

On the plus side, I don't have to get her the H1N1 vaccine now. So instead of waiting in line for 3 hours to get the vaccine, we waited 8 in the emergency room.

Death to toddler

2009-10-23T18:29:00.001-07:00

If she doesn't start sleeping like she used to sleep, someone's going to die.

BirthCut

2009-10-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from a blogger named Michele who runs the website "BirthCut" and I think it sums up quite well the feelings I am still (maybe forever?) coping with almost two years later. Read on:

Birth is an important event in a womans' life. It is a transforming experience - good or bad. It can be amazingly powerful, peaceful and blissful, but it can also be violating, terrifying, and demeaning. Because they survived, or their baby survived, doesn't make it any less traumatic for them. Trauma is relative and is not black and white. To say to someone who has had a traumatic birth that she just needs to be thankful for a live baby is damaging and dismissive, maybe it makes you look like the childish, cold, ignorant, sad, ridiculous, and crazy one.

Swine Flu

2009-10-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

Call me crazy, call me paranoid and go ahead and call me stupid for deciding to get my entire family vaccinated against the H1N1 flu.

After seeing your own child attached to a vent - you might make the same decision I've made regarding my family's well-being.

What I don't understand is the insane amount of criticism that is spreading around concerning the vaccine. Conspiracy theories, big brother, the list goes on and on.

It's a flu shot people, get over it.

Three packs in three weeks

2009-10-03T21:28:00.000-07:00

It started off so blatently innocent.

We were going on our first vacation since our honeymoon. I was excited to have a drink out in back of our cabin in the hot tub. Erik said "Remember our honeymoon? Champagne, cigarettes..."

So he bought a pack - for us to share. It was done before the trip was over. We bought another one. Got home, kept the pack...kept smoking it together until it was done.

Then...we each bought our own pack of cigarettes. Finished those too. Bought a fourth pack for each of us.

Tonight, as I pulled on my winter hat and headed outside against a stiff wind and full moon, I asked Erik what in the hell were we doing?

It was easy to quit the first time around. We almost made it to three years. My brother got cancer and I quit. How could I smoke when I thought he was going to die? It really was that easy. And hard.

I have a blood disorder that causes clots. Smoking and this go together like bread and butter...your blood doesn't do what it's supposed to do. The cigarettes make it do that even better. It gets thick, clots form. What is wrong with me?

Another example? I have the best one of all. Watching your baby lay there connected to a machine with a tube that goes down her small throat - breathing for her.

We took the cigarettes and broke them all in half. I am fucking done with this shit. Fuck you cigarettes and fuck you to all the people who make them and think it's okay. Who actually sleep at night knowing this is what it fucking does to people. Fuck you. I quit

How to lose a friend

2009-09-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

With friends like these, you don't need enemies right?

I got called out by a pretty good friend recently on my absence in our friendship. Apparently, she's been counting all the times I've gone to see her in a play or visited her at her apartment or how often we've gone out to dinner. Last time I checked, friends didn't keep tally on each other or require a certain amount of visits within a set period of time.

After being taken by surprise with her comments to me, I attempted to explain that my life isn't the way it used to be any longer. Friend replies "yeah the problem is Michelle, you're blaming your comments and inability to EVER be there for me on parenthood."

Since when did being a parent become the "point" to blame things on? I have a lot of friends. Many of whom I haven't seen in years. But there's a difference. These friends try to understand me and I try to understand them. You can't go to every dinner party. You can't make it to every wedding. Sometimes you have to skip a baby shower because your own baby is coughing and running a fever.

Well, Friend deleted me as a "friend" on Facebook. Maybe I should be upset, but I'm not.

Our Smoky Mountain vacation

2009-09-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

After six solid days of rain, we're back home in good ol' Illinois.

Although the weather was less than pleasant, we definitely made the most out of our trip, and plan on continuing the tradition by visiting the Smoky Mountain National Park every couple of years.

We arrived on Monday afternoon around 4 pm after a late start. We made incredible time, thanks to Sadie being an angel the entire way down. The weather was perfect along the way too. We saw an amazing sunrise among foggy cornfields while driving through the heart of Indiana. It made waking up at 3:30 a.m. worth it.

Erik ran out to get pizza after we unloaded all of our luggage into the cabin and got lost. Not entirely his fault, however, because one of the roads our GPS told him to go down had a locked gate at the end. He was gone for over 2 hours and I was about to call the police when he pulled into the drive with our dinner. Again, worth the wait. We LOVE Papa Johns - and there aren't any around here.

Tuesday we were up bright and early. Initially, we were going to do a mountain drive, but once we saw "Ober Gatlinburg" - decided to stop right there and do the tram ride. I was very scared to get on, but it was worth it. Such a beautiful and amazing view of the mountains and Gatlinburg. There was no one riding our tram either, so we had free reign of every amazing view.

It was a good thing we decided to take the tram ride, because by the time we got to the bottom, it was pouring rain. So the mountain drive had to take a back seat.

After an afternoon nap, we had a blast at Ripley's Aquarium of the Smokey's. That is by far the BEST aquarium in the country. It is extremely kid/toddler friendly and the exhibits are hands-on and no matter where you are standing, you won't miss a thing. Well worth the price.

Wednesday was a rough one. We made the mistake of not letting Sadie have a nap in the morning before we left for Cades Cove. By the time we were halfway on our 25-mile-trip, she was screaming bloody murder. The kind of screaming and whining that makes you want to throw your baby out the car window. Poor thing was cooped up in the car a lot because of the rain - but so far this morning - it remained dry. So we figured that she could run around the valley once we arrived. And, as expected, as soon as we arrived, the rain accompanied us. We had to cut the drive through Cades Cove short, and headed back toward Gatlinburg.

On the way back, we decided to stop at a trail that led to "Laruel Falls." According to the info from the park office, the hike was rated "easy" and we assumed that Sadie would be able to run around on the trail. Boy were we wrong. It was a 2.6 mile round-trip hike up a mountain. We didn't plan on climbing a mountain that day, but we did - and to say it was worth it is an understatement. Even though Sadie was in the stroller for the entire hike, she was mesmorized by the spectacular falls that greeted us at the end of the trail.

That night, we walked the strip in Gatlinburg - think Wisconsin Dells expaned by about 3 miles. Took a trip into Ripley's Believe it or not Mirror Maze and Sadie had a fun time. As an adult - you can't tell one mirror from the next, but Sadie had us out of the maze within 5 minutes.

Thursday morning Erik made us a really tasty breakfast and planned on going to the waterpark. Instead, we noticed that the sun had poked out from behind the clouds and figured this was our big chance to make it to the highest point of the Smoky Mountains - Clingman's Dome. By 10 a.m. we were on our way to the top, but as we climbed in altitude, the clouds, fog and rain came at us hard and fast. I've driven on some scary roads and seen a few bad accidents in my day - but that drive to the top of Clingman's Dome in the fog and rain was the scariest drive in my life. Thank God Erik knows his stuff when it comes to downshifting and driving through the mountains.

Stopped and had lunch after coming back down from the rain and fog, then headed out to a popular pottery shop - Allewine Pottery. I bought several unique items from Allewine on our honeymooon a few years back and they REALLY jacked up their prices. It wasn't a total loss, however, because Sadie was able to watch a live bluegrass band while Mommy and Daddy enjoyed fresh popcorn.

That night we decided to do something a little different and walked the strip in Pigeon Forge. There was a huge car show going on and we didn't expect to do much, but to my surprise, we got in 18 holes of mini-golf, I got to rollerskate for the first time in years and Sadie enjoyed riding the teacups with daddy.

By Friday we were completely fed up with the rain and decided to head down to Wild Bear Falls indoor waterpark. Sadie had a great time for over 3 hours - running around and finally doing something that she could run around and get tired from. On a sidenote - we ordered a "corn dog basket" from their food court and the french fries were AMAZING.

While we were eating our food we noticed the sun poking out and figured we should try to give the mountains one last chance - and began our climb to the top once again. By the halfway point, we were again greeted with rain and fog - so we stopped at the second-highest point - "Newfound Gap" and made the most of it.

All in all it was a great trip and I learned that when you take a toddler along for the journey, a lot of what you do revolves around them. Our cabin was amazing and so cozy - which was great because we had to spend a lot of time there. I will miss it a lot and we definitely plan on going back every 2-3 years and possibly spend a Christmas in the mountains. If you have kids, it's a fantastic place to go. I highly suggest bringing your own food - we only ate out twice which saved us a LOT of money. We'll miss the mountains but it definitely feels good to be home.

Gatlinburg here...we...COME!

2009-09-10T05:31:00.000-07:00

So excited to finally be going on our first vacation in just about 3 years. Our last big trip was our honeymoon, so this has been long overdue for sure.

We'll be doing things a little differently now that we have a toddler along for the ride. Plans for the trip include -

Cades Cove/Laurel Falls hike

Driving to Clingman's Dome and climbing to the top

Ober Gatlinburg

Ripley's Aquarium of the Smokey's

Wild Bear Falls indoor waterpark

Just to name a few. Hope we get to do everything we want into our trip. Woooo doggy.

Yeah I feed the stupid cat.

2009-09-03T13:55:00.000-07:00

I swear, by the end of each day, I feel like I haven't gotten anything accomplished. But this is a short list of what I actually DO everyday.

At least one load of laundry - washed, dried, folded and put away
Make all the beds
Clean the bathroom and kitchen
Vacuum (Twice a week)
Pick up toys about 100 times
Make dinner
Make three meals for Sadie
Change about 10 diapers
Entertain Sadie
Feed the stupid cat
And check my facebook to keep me sane

I mean, It's constant work to keep this house looking the way it does. And I dont do it because it's expected of me, I do it because i love my home. and i want it to be a "home" for my daughter and husband. And i guess the cat too.

"Old" Mokena Junior High School fight song

2009-09-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

So I get an email from my 13-year-old niece today and was sort of shocked to discover that they are learning the "old" MJHS fight song. What the hell? When did they stop singing it? Anywho, here's the email for a good laugh:

Guess what? Our music teachers found the old mokena fight song, and we all sang it today. is this the one u remember:

Come on, Mokena, we are cheering for your victory
Our colors flying, like the emblem of our loyalty.
We'll stand beside you and you'll know us when you hear us shout, HEY RAH!
We will fight! fight! fight! And we will show our might!
Mokena marches to victory!
M-E-T-E-O-R-S! Our Meteors are the best! Go, Meteors!

Either way, its still fricken hilarious

Tide

2009-08-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

I usually buy the no-name, on sale for $3.99 detergent for our laundering needs. I had a really good coupon for Tide and figured, why the hell not. And I'm in heaven.

I am going to try to make my own detergent from scratch in the next few weeks. We'll see if it's worth it or not. If anyone has any tips, I'm open.

Shooting star

2009-08-30T19:08:00.001-07:00

I wish time would speed up so we could try for another baby. And I wish everything that goes along with that wasn't complicated.

Channahon Three Rivers Festival with Sadie

2009-08-17T08:56:00.001-07:00

On the midway with Daddy

Sadie gets third place in the Beautiful Baby contest!

Third place prize

Narcotics-ache

2009-08-13T06:05:00.000-07:00

In two weeks I head back downtown to hopefully get some answers to the pain I've been having. The doctor is thinking cysts or endometriosis. Either way, I hope they find something to relieve that pain. It's awful.

In the meantime, because I can't take any hormonal treatments or contraceptives due to Factor V Leiden. So the doctor gave me a heaping dose of vicodin, which not only doesn't work at all - makes me so sick to my stomach.

So please ovaries - get your act together.

The poop incident

2009-08-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

Today, Sadie decided to take off her pants, poop in her diaper, take off her diaper and subsequently hide her poop all throughout her bedroom. In the three-to-five minutes it took me to empty the dishwasher, she made a mess. A cute mess, however, as after hearing stories from my other "mommy friends" it could have been much worse.

Sadie and books

2009-08-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

Now that Mammers is getting on in her old age - instead of wanting me to read a book as fast as the Matchbox Cars guy talks - she actually lets me "read" them to her. She loves books and will sit on the floor for 20 minutes at a time reading to herself. It's so cute.

boo hoo

2009-08-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

i simply do not think that some people appreciate how good they have it. and in doing so, they have to almost make things up that make life seem so much more difficult. cry me a river and get over yourself.

A heaping dose of Mommyhood

2009-08-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

Walking Pneumonia and Mammers