Sunshine, Angel, Rainbow

Whipped Cream Paints!

Easy way to pass a cold winter (or spring if you're in Illinois) day with the kids! Mix one or two drops of food coloring in a cup with a few squirts of whipped cream. Strip the kids, put them in the tub and hand them some paintbrushes. Yummy, sticky and creative fun! And cleanup? Is a cinch since they're already in the tub!

Happy Rainbow Post Of Fluffy Bunnies

Alright. Okay. I'm going to stop writing about depression shit and start writing about happy, fluffy bunnies and rainbows today.

Not really, but I will share some insights on my lovely little babies.

Sadie: She is officially the big 5 and is so smart. She's been reading for about 6 months now and is getting better and better every day. We are going to register for kindergarten in a few weeks (WHAT?) and she is really excited to ride the big girl bus to school. I'm always proud of her for being awesome.

Landon: He is talking more and more as each day passes. His favorite words? Truck, truck and truck. But he's also starting to piece two and three words together and we've even been getting an "I wuv ooo" out of him once in a while. He is a giggly, happy, silly and spirited 1-year-old boy. And I love him with all my heart.

Exciting stuff, I know :)

Reflections in the window

It's not that I haven't had the time to write here more often, now that I think about it - I just don't have the energy to do it.

 For once, I'm up early and it's quiet and I'm alone. I was standing in the kitchen making my coffee and found myself looking at the reflection staring back at me in the window. I don't know her. I really don't know her at all.

This is all I can give right now. It's pathetic.

They have it better, at least.

It's been way too long and I've completely put off any writing here for fear of making public the secrets that will likely haunt my family for the rest of our lives. Every single day is a struggle. I can barely function. I'm losing my memory. And at night, I am haunted by dreams that are so vivid I wake up purely exhausted. I've been off the Ambien for a few weeks, but I'm not sure it's been a good idea - those pesky dreams. Erik's been unbelievably busy at the office which has left me home alone to fend for myself. We are really busy, but there are too many days where it takes every ounce of what's in me to simply roll out of bed and change a diaper. I wish I didn't sound as sad and depressed as I do, but fact is - I just am. The way my life has been flipped upside down and taken over by ghosts isn't how I had it planned. The only thing I can assure myself over and over is that my kids have it better. They have it better than we both did and I will continue to make damn sure of that for as long as they let me.

My interview with Sadie

What is something that makes mommy happy? Sadie: Sawyer What is something that makes mommy sad? Sadie: Sawyer How does mommy make you laugh? Sadie: Tickles! What was mommy like as a child? Sadie: Like me! How old is mommmy? Sadie: 30 or 32 How tall is mommy? Sadie: Really, really REALLY TALL What is mommy's favorite thing to do? Sadie: Play with me. Mommy? Can you play with us??? What does mommy do when you're not around? Sadie: Go to grandma's What is mommy really good at? Sadie: Baseball and soccer What is mommy not very good at? Sadie: The Cubs What does mommy do for her job? Sadie: Dishes What is mommy's favorite food? Sadie: Pancakes If mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be? Sadie: Strawberry Shortcake What do you and mommy do together? Sadie: We play and we love little baby brothers How are you and mommy the same? Sadie: Same hands (which is so true by the way!) How are you and mommy different? Sadie: Our hairs are different and our arms are different How do you know mommy loves you? Sadie: Because you show the good way to love people. Where is mommy's favorite place to go? Sadie: The museum and the mall!

366 days

Landon can clap his hands. He can say hi, "what's that," mama, dada and scream - a LOT. He runs. If you ask him to go in a circle, he will spin in place. He does SO BIG and we taught him how to do "earmuffs" - it's pretty cute. The past 12 months has flown by. I'm so proud of my little boy!

Meatloaf in a Muffin Pan!

I have seen variations of this recipe on Pinterest so I thought I'd give it a go with my homemade meatloaf recipe and try this out. It's not even in the oven yet and the house smells divine.

Here's what you'll need: 1 lb lean ground turkey (or beef) 1 cup dried bread crumbs 1 cup milk 1 egg 1/2 tsp Garlic Salt 1/2 Onion - diced 1/2 Green Pepper - diced 1/2 Cup Carrots - diced Salt and Pepper (to taste) *Preheat Oven To 375 degrees* What I do first - which seems to set the meatloaf apart from other recipes I've tried - is to saute the onions, green pepper and diced carrots in 1/2 tsp garlic salt. It really seals in the flavor and cooks up the veggies good before mixing with the meat. I saute them in a dash of olive oil for about 5-10 minutes, just enough to soften and mix the flavors together. The rest is pretty simple! Mix the turkey, bread crumbs, milk, and egg with the veggie mix in a large bowl. Finally, add a few dashes of salt and pepper to taste. Finally, spray muffin tin with cooking spray so that the meatloaf muffins don't stick and scoop meat mixture into the cups! Bake at 375 for 40-45 minutes. You can also add your own sauce on top. Some people prefer gravy - I make a simple, sweet sauce on top. Mixing ketchup, mustard and brown sugar until it's as sweet as we like in this house. Let me know what you use for your topping! Happy cooking :)

....... knows best

I won't let your actions define me. I hate what you did to all of us.

Too many things have taken me away from you. Every single time I feel as if I'm getting to a better place with my grief, some sort of life-shattering event consumes my life. And that is the way it has been for months now. Again, I haven't had the time or the energy to work through what I so desperately need to work through in order to get to a good place without you in my life. So, now - as it always seems - we go back to a new "square one."

Landon's First Birthday!

10 months and 4 years (and counting!)

I am LONG overdue for an update on Landon and Sadie. Life has spiraled out of control and I'm trying to right myself and cherish this precious time with my babies before it's too late. I won't let anyone take that away from me... Let's get down to business. Sadie: Oh where do I start? She has finished her first year of preschool and grown about 3 inches in that same time! She has grown by leaps and bounds compared to this time last year. And to think we were worried that she would cry and throw a fit when we dropped her off at school for the first time. She never cried once. Sadie's progress report from school was fantastic. My little girl has been through a lot this year yet she continued to excel in all areas. In the fall, she starts at a special preschool that she qualified for through the county. It's every single day (just like kindergarten) but her teacher, Miss Patti, said this would be PERFECT for Sadie. And away we go with it! It's been a joy to watch her play and interact with her brother this year too. As Landon becomes more mobile and independent, they are both relying on each other the way a brother and sister should. She loves Landon very much and loves to imagine and make-believe with him all the time. I'm so proud of the little girl she's grown into. Landon: My sweet baby boy is growing up so fast, on his way to becoming not-so-much a baby any more. He's almost 11 months old and has been walking for a few weeks now. He has almost mastered the sippy cup (ADIOS BOTTLES!) and loves to play with anything that has wheels - even his sister's Strawberry Shortcake car! Landon still has issues with dairy so we aren't going there again until he's at least 2 years old when we'll get allergy testing done. For now, it's still prescription formula. He's not so much a picky eater, but doesn't eat very much. He loves all of Mommy's homemade food. His faves are: applesauce, green beans, sweet potatoes and oyster crackers! Landon has a fantastic smile and giggle. He is full of life and happiness and I truly believe there is a reason God gave him to us last. He brings us so much joy and I can't imagine my life without him. Sawyer's 2nd birthday is quickly approaching. The days are going to be hard, and I feel like I can truly mourn his death this year - unlike last year when I was pregnant. There is a huge hole missing our lives without him, but the things we have been doing in his memory to help families like ours has been incredibly humbling. For his birthday, we will be having another balloon release at the cemetery and a pizza party with cake. The next day, we head up to Michigan for an entire week to reflect on his life and spend time together as a family. Hopefully I won't be so behind in updating what's been going on with the kids. At least for my sake. I think I'm the only person who reads this blog!

Consideration, please

We visited the cemetery today and - like always - carefully tended to our son's grave. We go to see Sawyer often. Probably more than most people think. The shock of his death has only very recently worn off, and there are still days where we feel completely numb all over again. I wish that people would be more considerate of our healing. That people would take a few seconds to think before they say so many things that can be so incredibly hurtful - not just to me and Erik, but to my children too. I had to hold my son and watch him die. Imagine that. Just try to imagine watching your child slowly die in your arms. So forgive me if I'm taking too long in grieving his life. Because even if I lived on this planet for all of eternity, I'd never get over it.

Without him

I am so sad. Without him... I can't get off this merry-go-round of sad.

Loving-Kindness

We can't give love to others until we can purposefully give love to ourselves with all of our mind.

For the first time in almost two years, I told myself that I was well, happy and peaceful.

In that moment, while the sun was setting - I loved who I was.

And right now, at this moment? I miss feeling that way more than anything in the world.

Ticking away the moments

I swear to God I've had literally no time to post here - or maybe I should say - limited time - since Landon arrived a little over 6 months ago.

Did I just write that? Six months?

Here are some random Lando stats:

Allergic to milk-protein and soy
On expensive, prescription formula
Already had a UTI and Pertussis (lucky me!)
Has TWO teeth that came in on the same day
Can say "mama" "dada" "nana" "lala"
Rolls from one place to another
His favorite toy is the Jumperoo
Loves taking naps with mommy

I couldn't be happier the past few months. Now that we've figured out some of Landon's quirks, likes and dislikes - it's been pretty smooth-sailing.

Sadie has taken on the role of "big sister" in ways that I never could have imagined. She loves her brother so much and looks forward to the moment he wakes up in the morning and every time he wakes up from a nap. He is enthralled with watching her play and showing him how things work. They are going to be best friends, and I am so grateful that they will have each other for the rest of their lives.

I still feel that so much is missing. Yesterday I took a nap with Sadie and Landon in my bed and Sadie asked me to lay Sawyer's blanket across all three of us. It was a moment where that crowded bed suddenly felt so empty. My mind wandered to my sweet baby boy, what would he look like? What would he be like? Would he have blonde hair like his brother or bright, blue eyes like his sister? I wish I could know. I ache to know every day.

1 year, 3 months and 26 days

It still feels like yesterday.

"Get over it"

I will never get over Sawyer's life or his death...

I will never get over making the decision to end my son's life.

I will never get over how it felt to hold a brand new baby in my arms, and watch him slowly die.

I will never get over the way he gasped for air and kept fighting for his life, while my husband and I watched in horror and disbelief, that he kept fighting to live.

I will never get over his nurse checking over and over to hear when his tiny, broken heart finally stopped beating.

I will never get over knowing that the last time I saw his sweet face and touched his soft skin, was when I had to put him into a tiny, black box from the funeral home.

I will never get over you, sweet baby. Never.

Brothers

Every time I look at Landon when he's asleep, I cry. Most of the time, it's just for a moment - But there are some days, where the tears just won't stop.

He looks just like his brother.

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