Lolcat and Sadie

Floating in and out

I had a friend. He's not my friend anymore.

I think that has been determined by the fact that it's been almost two years since we last saw each other - among other things.

Do you remember the conversation we had?

He told me that he pictured life as an actual highway - He was riding in a car.

Along the way, people get in and friends get out. Some stay for a while, some stay forever and some don't stay long at all.

In retrospect, I would think I'm that friend who didn't stay very long. This wasn't my choice and I don't think I could have seen this coming when we first became close. No actually, I never saw it coming. And it's sad.

It's sad that you changed and I changed. Sad that we can't make it work any longer.

I'm angry that you haven't been part of my life - the most important part of it so far. You'd really love her. She has eyes that sparkle and is incredibly strong-willed. She's all you told me she would be, but you don't want to see it.

I don't know who you are any more, but I know that I miss the person I used to know. So here I go, floating farther away every year, every day, every minute. Thanks for the ride.

Fat assss

I used the extra s's to emphasize how fat my ass has gotten lately. I have gained so much weight from this time last year until now. I don't think I eat any more than I used to, but I sure as hell am not doing as much.

I need to get motivated and get my fat assss into the gym and back on a routine. It's hard in the summer, but I think the recent video Erik took of me from behind while I was walking with Sadie was enough of a wake-up call. Seriously. I would love to just get knocked up and barf my brains out again and lose the weight. THAT WAS EASY. It was. At least for me.

The gym might be a nice change of pace. I can take Sadie along so she can have her play time and I can have my alone time. I just have to get into the routine of it. Which I suck at. Please help me. I just want my ass back.

Yee Haw

I'm bored

I'm not looking for backlash here from busy moms...but I'm a bored mommy.

We pretty much just have our little routine here. Breakfast, letter video, playtime, color, nap, lunch...When Sadie's napping, I usually take a nap too - or a long bath.

It's about the nicest thing ever. Trust me, there are days when I have an abundance of things to do...I do all of the bills, I clean, I cook everything, make lunches, iron. But, I'm happy. And I'm bored. And it's great. I think this downtime is definitely welcome in the Williams house.

I'm looking to start a part time job on the weekends here coming up in the winter. Wish a girl some luck. I need my own spending money.

Lullaby

And goodnight.

Writing on the brain

When you're forced to think about something tragic, it can instantly bring it all back in an instant.

I'm trying to write a short story about Sadie's NICU stay, what happened to our family, what happened to me. It's not about me though, It's about Sadie and what I couldn't give her. The guilt I don't think will ever leave my soul. The part of my heart that knows something is missing.

I hope I can do this without it seeming completely trite. I love my Sadie. I think I might have to look back at some old blogs for "inspiration" if you want to call it that.