Too many things have taken me away from you. Every single time I feel as if I'm getting to a better place with my grief, some sort of life-shattering event consumes my life. And that is the way it has been for months now. Again, I haven't had the time or the energy to work through what I so desperately need to work through in order to get to a good place without you in my life. So, now - as it always seems - we go back to a new "square one."

Landon's First Birthday!

10 months and 4 years (and counting!)

I am LONG overdue for an update on Landon and Sadie. Life has spiraled out of control and I'm trying to right myself and cherish this precious time with my babies before it's too late. I won't let anyone take that away from me... Let's get down to business. Sadie: Oh where do I start? She has finished her first year of preschool and grown about 3 inches in that same time! She has grown by leaps and bounds compared to this time last year. And to think we were worried that she would cry and throw a fit when we dropped her off at school for the first time. She never cried once. Sadie's progress report from school was fantastic. My little girl has been through a lot this year yet she continued to excel in all areas. In the fall, she starts at a special preschool that she qualified for through the county. It's every single day (just like kindergarten) but her teacher, Miss Patti, said this would be PERFECT for Sadie. And away we go with it! It's been a joy to watch her play and interact with her brother this year too. As Landon becomes more mobile and independent, they are both relying on each other the way a brother and sister should. She loves Landon very much and loves to imagine and make-believe with him all the time. I'm so proud of the little girl she's grown into. Landon: My sweet baby boy is growing up so fast, on his way to becoming not-so-much a baby any more. He's almost 11 months old and has been walking for a few weeks now. He has almost mastered the sippy cup (ADIOS BOTTLES!) and loves to play with anything that has wheels - even his sister's Strawberry Shortcake car! Landon still has issues with dairy so we aren't going there again until he's at least 2 years old when we'll get allergy testing done. For now, it's still prescription formula. He's not so much a picky eater, but doesn't eat very much. He loves all of Mommy's homemade food. His faves are: applesauce, green beans, sweet potatoes and oyster crackers! Landon has a fantastic smile and giggle. He is full of life and happiness and I truly believe there is a reason God gave him to us last. He brings us so much joy and I can't imagine my life without him. Sawyer's 2nd birthday is quickly approaching. The days are going to be hard, and I feel like I can truly mourn his death this year - unlike last year when I was pregnant. There is a huge hole missing our lives without him, but the things we have been doing in his memory to help families like ours has been incredibly humbling. For his birthday, we will be having another balloon release at the cemetery and a pizza party with cake. The next day, we head up to Michigan for an entire week to reflect on his life and spend time together as a family. Hopefully I won't be so behind in updating what's been going on with the kids. At least for my sake. I think I'm the only person who reads this blog!

Consideration, please

We visited the cemetery today and - like always - carefully tended to our son's grave. We go to see Sawyer often. Probably more than most people think. The shock of his death has only very recently worn off, and there are still days where we feel completely numb all over again. I wish that people would be more considerate of our healing. That people would take a few seconds to think before they say so many things that can be so incredibly hurtful - not just to me and Erik, but to my children too. I had to hold my son and watch him die. Imagine that. Just try to imagine watching your child slowly die in your arms. So forgive me if I'm taking too long in grieving his life. Because even if I lived on this planet for all of eternity, I'd never get over it.

Without him

I am so sad. Without him... I can't get off this merry-go-round of sad.

Loving-Kindness

We can't give love to others until we can purposefully give love to ourselves with all of our mind.

For the first time in almost two years, I told myself that I was well, happy and peaceful.

In that moment, while the sun was setting - I loved who I was.

And right now, at this moment? I miss feeling that way more than anything in the world.

Ticking away the moments

I swear to God I've had literally no time to post here - or maybe I should say - limited time - since Landon arrived a little over 6 months ago.

Did I just write that? Six months?

Here are some random Lando stats:

Allergic to milk-protein and soy
On expensive, prescription formula
Already had a UTI and Pertussis (lucky me!)
Has TWO teeth that came in on the same day
Can say "mama" "dada" "nana" "lala"
Rolls from one place to another
His favorite toy is the Jumperoo
Loves taking naps with mommy

I couldn't be happier the past few months. Now that we've figured out some of Landon's quirks, likes and dislikes - it's been pretty smooth-sailing.

Sadie has taken on the role of "big sister" in ways that I never could have imagined. She loves her brother so much and looks forward to the moment he wakes up in the morning and every time he wakes up from a nap. He is enthralled with watching her play and showing him how things work. They are going to be best friends, and I am so grateful that they will have each other for the rest of their lives.

I still feel that so much is missing. Yesterday I took a nap with Sadie and Landon in my bed and Sadie asked me to lay Sawyer's blanket across all three of us. It was a moment where that crowded bed suddenly felt so empty. My mind wandered to my sweet baby boy, what would he look like? What would he be like? Would he have blonde hair like his brother or bright, blue eyes like his sister? I wish I could know. I ache to know every day.