I ask myself what would life be like right now if Sawyer was still here? How would he be doing? Would he be growing? Would he open his eyes for me?
I would be 30 weeks tomorrow. Which is a crazy thought because I should still have another 10 weeks, over two months, to go with my pregnancy. August 24th is such a long time from now. I wonder if that date will bring some closure or just make things worse?
It seems like every single day gets a little worse. Some days, it feels like every hour hurts more than the last. People tell us to stay strong and keep our heads up - but it's almost impossible at times when the overwhelming sadness consumes you. It's just the way it is. I can't change anything, I can't change how I feel.
Every night I pray to God, then I talk to Sawyer. It brings some of the only comfort I've been able to find. Erik and I cry to each other every night before we fall asleep. Then we pray together.
We have all his things in a chest in our closet. At first, we would go through it all the time. Now, I can't even bring myself to open it, fearing what the smell of his little blanket would do to me. At the same time, I ache for his things and his smell.
I just miss our baby so much that the pain is surreal. Life is constant tunnel-vision.
3 comments:
Michelle,
Have you heard of a place called Glow in the Woods? (http://www.glowinthewoods.com/) It's a place for mothers and fathers who have lost children. I have heard that it is a great source of support. Maybe, when you are ready, you can share Sawyer's story there.
Surrounded by friends
yet all alone
the one I loved
God has called home
the hugs of friends
helps ease the pain
and I know my loss
is my loved one's gain
but tears now flow
across my face
as I long for just
one more embrace
then comfort comes
and I see Christ's face
He hugs my loved one
and I feel God's grace.
Angie
(((HUGS)))!!! I have no idea what you are all going through, but I pray that things get a little easier for you guys and you start hurting less.
Caarrie
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