Sawyer's diapers

The other day, I finally received from Babies-R-Us a coupon for a free mega-pack of Huggies diapers. They have a promotion for "Rewards" card users that I couldn't pass up when Sadie was still in diapers - Buy 10 mega-packs of Huggies, get one free. How could ANY mom pass that offer up?

I was so excited because after purchasing the last-ever pack of diapers for Sadie, I realized that it was actually (finally) the 10th pack. I could use my coupon for Sawyer when he gets here! Hooray!

A week after we buried our son, and 3 weeks late of course, the coupon shows up in the mail. And it showed up with a looming expiration date. July 1st. July 1st?

I stuffed it into my coupon book, knowing that I had to go in there and use it, soon. I wasn't about to let a $45 box of diapers slip away from me.

Last week, I met my sister for dinner. Right across from Babies-R-Us. She was running about 20 minutes late. And I decided in an instant that I was going to go into that store and buy that box of diapers. "We can use them for our next baby," I thought.

The first thing I did was park in "Expectant Mother" parking. I should still be pregnant, and in my eyes - I was completely ripped off. So screw all the other "expectant moms" out there. I was parking in that spot and I didn't care.

I walked in and walked straight to the back and quickly picked out the best box for the value. Size 1 diapers, 216 of them - for free. I pushed my cart quickly through the store I loved to spend hours at a time at, looking through all the infant sleepers and onesies. I remembered holding outfits over my stomach and asking Erik if he thought they were just as adorable as I did...

Then, there I was at the register.

My heart was pounding and I literally started to sweat at that moment. I was scared shitless. The woman behind the counter just scanned the diaper box while I fumbled through my coupons to find my free diaper redemption. Tears welled up in my eyes and I blinked them back. "Please ask me about my baby. Ask me why I'm buying 216 diapers for no one."

"Do you need any batteries for mobiles, toys or maybe a bouncy chair? Anything at all?" she asked me cheerily.

I wanted to tell her, yes. Please. Give me a hundred batteries. I want to hear the soft sounds of the ocean coming from Sawyer's bouncy chair. I want to tuck him into his warm blanket while the soothing music from his crib's music player wafted over his tiny ears. I wanted my baby.

"No, not right now," I blankly said.

And I left.

Later when I got home, I grabbed the box out of the minivan (that we purchased for our expanding family. Another reminder of our sad reality) and asked Erik to help me carry it into the house. I followed him over to our linen closet, where we usually store all our baby items and I watched him try and try to fit that stupid box onto the shelf. It wouldn't fit.

I grabbed the box and ripped open the tape, telling him that we'd just put the diapers in there without the box. Big mistake. I took out one section of the pre-packaged, size 1 "Little Swaddler" diapers and lost it. They were so small, and so sweet. And they were supposed to be Sawyer's.

Who was I kidding? Mostly myself I suppose. It's how you live life after your baby dies. There are moments where I think he's coming home. He's just at the hospital. My baby will be here soon. But he's not. He's never coming back. My baby is dead. And it's the nightmare I live every single day.