I just want him

There are moments now where things are okay. Not good, but okay.

And I'll take okay any day.

Except, lately, okay has eluded me. Maybe it's the falling leaves or the changing of the seasons. Maybe it was going to the pumpkin patch and knowing how I imagined in my head how that day was supposed to be. Sadie running through the patch with Erik chasing after her. Me with Sawyer, all dressed up in his little pumpkin outfit I had washed, ironed and hung up in Sadie's closet - along with all of his nice clothes.

When we came home after Sawyer was buried, I asked Erik to bring up all the empty baby boxes from downstairs. I never thought that so soon after emptying them, we'd be filling them up all over again. Clothes he'll never wear. Hats that will never keep his little head warm. Socks for his tiny, perfect toes.

I imagined this winter to be a busy one. But, in a good way. Instead of being cooped up inside the house as the cold winds howled, Sadie would be the dutiful big sister. Helping Mommy in so many ways. All of us, laying on the floor - playing with our new baby.

And now what? I have nothing.

No baby. No clothes. No toys. No swing. No crib. No bassinet.

The grief, it creeps back in so heavy and you never expect it. You think time will make it better. So far, time has done nothing but mess with my head.

December is coming. The day we found out we were expecting.

Then, the day we found out we were having a boy.

The day there was something wrong.

The day he died.

At night, I pray. I thank God for what I have and what I had. I pray to Sawyer and ask him if it's okay if we had a new baby. I worry that people would think that we were replacing him. Because nothing in the entire world could ever take the place of our sweet, precious Sawyer.

My birthday is coming up in a few days. I don't want to be happy. I don't want "happy birthdays" thrown my way. I just want him.