How it feels, right now

I wrote this a few days ago on a private board I belong to for women who have the same blood disorder as me. Unfortunately, a few of them have also experienced a loss. I'm reposting just because it really explains what life is like at this moment.

So, I've made it to 12 weeks. But, after Sawyer died in June, I remember thinking to myself "12 weeks doesn't mean shit" and I guess I still kind of feel that way.

I'm thanking God on my knees every single night that we've come this far. And if he gives us another 12 - I will be on my knees thanking him again.

I still haven't told much of anyone beyond our very immediate family. It's too hard. I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, only to come crashing down. I don't want to hurt my new friends, who have also lost a baby and are struggling with fertility. I guess this is my place to express so much of my angst.

On Monday we go in to have an ultrasound to measure the baby's neck to see if it alerts us to any genetic abnormalities. From there, we have a fetal echo scheduled for mid-February - Please pray that our baby's heart is formed complete. I think I would collapse if I had to hear that we had another baby with a broken heart.

That's what's been so difficult about this journey. My heart is broken too and it will never be the same. I don't want anyone to forget about Sawyer yet I'm full of hope over this new chance we have at happiness.

I often wonder why I'll never be able to have all my babies here with me. What a beautiful thought that often is in a head that is full of confusion - all of us here, together.

But this is what happened to me. My son is gone and I hate that the gap between his short life and the present is growing. I never want the memories to fade, except - they are. And it hurts like you can't even imagine.

I just wanted to thank you all for giving me a moment to have an outlet for my grief, my fears. Much love always.