I totally screwed up today. I let someone get the best of me. I let my overwhelming grief and yearning for you result in an angry tirade.
I never meant to hurt anyone. I was just upset that another mother could ever hate her beautiful child.
I think about you alone in your coffin. I know it is just your body but I worry about the winter. I worry about how cold it will get and if you'll be warm enough. The urge to hold you in my arms and just for one second look into your eyes will overwhelm me as long as my heart continues to beat.
And yet, others get to hate. How is any of this remotely fair?
Life is going on, I am still alive. It should have been me. Why God wasn't it me?
They say when the moment comes to ask these questions, that the answers won't matter. But, it's the waiting for that moment that is slowly eating away at my insides.
I love you. Every night I pray to you, do you hear me? I've fallen so far down the past few weeks. Looking toward your spirit for hope.
I love you.
