Baby Pickles update - 32 weeks

What a day.

An emotional up and down day.

I haven't written much about the new baby in a long time, mostly because things are going so good - I almost hesitate to say great because I don't want to jinx anything with him. And normally, I'm not the type of person to wish on falling stars or throw pennies into fountains, but I sure have found myself quietly hoping and praying for nothing but the best.

I made our first delivery through "Sawyer's Heart Project" to the NICU at Comer Children's Hospital. Ranae - the counselor who was there with us through every single step of our loss with Sawyer - met me at the clinic to pick up the blankets, sleepers and handmade hats. We had a really nice visit but with it almost being a year to the day of Sawyer's birth and then death - a lot of the talk was heavy. I still can't believe how far we have come in such a short amount of time. I truly credit the love and care of the staff at Comer for that initial start - so I was quite thankful to give back today.

After meeting with Ranae, I had my first NST and BPP. I haven't had either since the very day Sawyer was born. And I had been looking forward to the tests for the past few days since it had been about two weeks since I was able to see our little boy via ultrasound. I did not, however, expect to go into a full-blown panic attack once all the monitors were strapped onto my stomach.

The swoosh-swoosh of the baby's heart brought me right back in an instant. And I completely lost it.

Thank goodness I had a very understanding nurse who coaxed and convinced me that this time, we'd make happy memories - not scary, sad ones.

After that I had our ultrasound and everything looked fantastic. He kicked, stretched and practiced his breathing. The baby is still in the "frank breech" position - but it's okay because we're already planning a c-section anyway.

I met with our doctor and we finally talked very seriously about the upcoming c-section and birth of our new baby. Quite honestly, I'm scared shitless. I'm scared that something will go wrong. I'm scared that someone will die. I even asked my doctor to promise to be there when the time came for our little boy to make his arrival - to which she agreed.

The one thing that has her a little worried is that "she doesn't trust me" - or in other words, doesn't trust my body. Things are going really, really well right now - but my history of PPROM, plancental abruption and two emergency c-sections don't bode very well for this baby. Not that we are thinking the worst, just trying to prepare in case of another emergency situation.

So yeah, it was a long and exhausting day. A lot to think about and a lot to worry about, but it's okay to worry. It's okay to be scared. I think it would be completely abnormal not to.