Landon Sawyer Williams

Born June 30th, 2011 at 5:10 p.m. - 6lbs 7oz and 20 inches long. Our son.

Baby Pickles update - 32 weeks

What a day.

An emotional up and down day.

I haven't written much about the new baby in a long time, mostly because things are going so good - I almost hesitate to say great because I don't want to jinx anything with him. And normally, I'm not the type of person to wish on falling stars or throw pennies into fountains, but I sure have found myself quietly hoping and praying for nothing but the best.

I made our first delivery through "Sawyer's Heart Project" to the NICU at Comer Children's Hospital. Ranae - the counselor who was there with us through every single step of our loss with Sawyer - met me at the clinic to pick up the blankets, sleepers and handmade hats. We had a really nice visit but with it almost being a year to the day of Sawyer's birth and then death - a lot of the talk was heavy. I still can't believe how far we have come in such a short amount of time. I truly credit the love and care of the staff at Comer for that initial start - so I was quite thankful to give back today.

After meeting with Ranae, I had my first NST and BPP. I haven't had either since the very day Sawyer was born. And I had been looking forward to the tests for the past few days since it had been about two weeks since I was able to see our little boy via ultrasound. I did not, however, expect to go into a full-blown panic attack once all the monitors were strapped onto my stomach.

The swoosh-swoosh of the baby's heart brought me right back in an instant. And I completely lost it.

Thank goodness I had a very understanding nurse who coaxed and convinced me that this time, we'd make happy memories - not scary, sad ones.

After that I had our ultrasound and everything looked fantastic. He kicked, stretched and practiced his breathing. The baby is still in the "frank breech" position - but it's okay because we're already planning a c-section anyway.

I met with our doctor and we finally talked very seriously about the upcoming c-section and birth of our new baby. Quite honestly, I'm scared shitless. I'm scared that something will go wrong. I'm scared that someone will die. I even asked my doctor to promise to be there when the time came for our little boy to make his arrival - to which she agreed.

The one thing that has her a little worried is that "she doesn't trust me" - or in other words, doesn't trust my body. Things are going really, really well right now - but my history of PPROM, plancental abruption and two emergency c-sections don't bode very well for this baby. Not that we are thinking the worst, just trying to prepare in case of another emergency situation.

So yeah, it was a long and exhausting day. A lot to think about and a lot to worry about, but it's okay to worry. It's okay to be scared. I think it would be completely abnormal not to.

It's a boy

I was wrong, and that's okay!

Breaking down the moment

A friend sent me some great things for the new baby a few days ago and I finally got around to putting them all away today. While I was making room in a cupboard for everything, Sadie asked me if this was all for the new baby.

I happily told her "Yes, it is!"

"Mama?" She replied. "Is this baby going to die too?"

Instant falling. My knees felt like they were cut off. I sat there on the kitchen floor, surrounded by diaper boxes and baby bottles - and I had no answer.

Tears. Too many. Flowing quickly, the same path down my face. Like a river.

At that exact moment my friend rang the doorbell. Shit. I forgot she was coming right over. I was so embarrassed, but there was no way I could not cry. There was no way I could pretend like things were okay - and that's sort of how it's been for a while now. I've been pretending so that other people can feel better.

"Yes our baby died, but we're expecting again!"

I've said that too many times. There. Feel better? No uncomfortable silence. Instead, a happy "Congrats!" and we're moving on.

But, my baby is dead. And it's an unrelentless circle of grief. And it sucks. Up and down. Up and down. Happy and sad. Laughter and tears.

I am thankful that my friend was here though. Thankful for the hugs and the comfort.

I called my mom immediately. I was on the verge on completely losing my mind. And for those of you who never have lost your mind? Thank God for that.

My mom put it perfectly. My oldest brother was Sadie's age when her baby died. She told me that all Sadie knows is this. She sees you preparing for this baby, just like we did with Sawyer and all she knows is that Sawyer died. And that's just how it is.

And she's right. That is how it just "is." Children accept things so much differently than we do. It's a miracle to be so innocent and a very touching gift from God if you ask me.

So, in light of my near-breakdown - I'm thankful. For a friend like Carrie. For the wonderful support of my mother when these moments hit. For all of you, who care about me and my little family. Thank you.

Prediction

With Sadie and Sawyer I always wrote a little blog before heading off to the 20-week ultrasound predicting the sex of the baby. I've been right every time so far, which makes me think I'm due to be wrong for once. Which would be okay with me.

Honestly, the sex doesn't matter to us in any way, whatsoever.

The 20-week ultrasound now represents the health of this baby and of the pregnancy and we are hoping and praying for good, no - great news all around.

The echo of the baby's heart that we had 10 days ago was promising, so although we are very cautious - our hopes are high.

Oh and for the record...

I think it's a girl.