Friday, October 30, 2009


If you don't want your picture taken, at a wedding, where you are dancing on a TABLE - that's your problem NOT mine.

H1N1 and the Williams Family

My worst fear (at the moment) came true on Thursday around 3 a.m. when we were told that Sadie had somehow contracted Influenza Type A aka Swine Flu aka H1N1. I knew in my heart - probably a super-mommy power - about a day before that she was getting sick. And I also knew that it wasn't going to be good.

In the couple of days leading up to the flu diagnosis, Sadie had been waking up screaming for no reason at all in the middle of the night. A sure sign that some sort of yucky bug has invaded her body and set up camp.

For the past few weeks, I wouldn't say I've been worrying about the H1N1 flu virus, probably more on the verge of panicking over it. I called and put her on a wait list at the pediatrician. Kept up tabs on the local county health clinics and their availability of the injectable vaccine. Finally, Will County pulled through and started their first clinic on Wednesday. Right around the same time Sadie started to not feel so hot.

And it was as fast as they say. She had a runny nose in the morning, but was otherwise playful, talkative...her normal self. I put her down for a nap around noon and she slept until 4 pm. It was my 30th birthday, so I spent her naptime cleaning up the house before my parents and sister stopped by later that evening.

Sadie woke up from her nap cranky, nothing unusual after a long slumber. I popped in Finding Nemo and spent the next half hour getting food set out for my guests.

She suddenly started to cough - a very dry, nasty cough - so I took her temperature. It was a low 99 degrees. I gave her some Motrin for the second time that day (when she gets a runny nose, I try to give her something for the pain because she always gets an ear infection). This was around 4 oclock.

Family came over, and Sadie was having a great time. Around 8 oclock, she suddenly looked glassy-eyed, tired and very cranky. And darn that pesky cough. We gave her another dose of Motrin and put her to bed.

Around 9:30 she woke up in bed. Not crying, but whimpering. She was burning up. So we took her temperature and couldn't believe it was 103 degrees. My mommy instincts kicked in and with her history, I decided to just take her straight to the ER. Definitely glad I did.

So it's been a couple of days and the fever has yet to break. Sadie's been holding up pretty good despite the high temps and Tylenol suppositories (poor thing) and she actually downed her entire dose of Tamiflu last night.

I'm sure Erik and I will be getting it soon. I already have a low-grade fever and my neck is killing me. I just hope we don't get it as bad.

So, how did the paranoid mom end up with a swine flu baby? We hadn't taken her out in weeks - no play dates, no shopping trips - nothing. I'm sure somehow someway, we forgot to sanitize our hands one time or maybe someone's sneeze floated into our personal space. Who knows? I guess you can't spend all your time worrying. But just do the best you can and hope that it works out.

On the plus side, I don't have to get her the H1N1 vaccine now. So instead of waiting in line for 3 hours to get the vaccine, we waited 8 in the emergency room.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Death to toddler

If she doesn't start sleeping like she used to sleep, someone's going to die.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


This is an excerpt from a blogger named Michele who runs the website "BirthCut" and I think it sums up quite well the feelings I am still (maybe forever?) coping with almost two years later. Read on:

Birth is an important event in a womans' life. It is a transforming experience - good or bad. It can be amazingly powerful, peaceful and blissful, but it can also be violating, terrifying, and demeaning. Because they survived, or their baby survived, doesn't make it any less traumatic for them. Trauma is relative and is not black and white. To say to someone who has had a traumatic birth that she just needs to be thankful for a live baby is damaging and dismissive, maybe it makes you look like the childish, cold, ignorant, sad, ridiculous, and crazy one.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Swine Flu

Call me crazy, call me paranoid and go ahead and call me stupid for deciding to get my entire family vaccinated against the H1N1 flu.

After seeing your own child attached to a vent - you might make the same decision I've made regarding my family's well-being.

What I don't understand is the insane amount of criticism that is spreading around concerning the vaccine. Conspiracy theories, big brother, the list goes on and on.

It's a flu shot people, get over it.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Three packs in three weeks

It started off so blatently innocent.

We were going on our first vacation since our honeymoon. I was excited to have a drink out in back of our cabin in the hot tub. Erik said "Remember our honeymoon? Champagne, cigarettes..."

So he bought a pack - for us to share. It was done before the trip was over. We bought another one. Got home, kept the pack...kept smoking it together until it was done.

Then...we each bought our own pack of cigarettes. Finished those too. Bought a fourth pack for each of us.

Tonight, as I pulled on my winter hat and headed outside against a stiff wind and full moon, I asked Erik what in the hell were we doing?

It was easy to quit the first time around. We almost made it to three years. My brother got cancer and I quit. How could I smoke when I thought he was going to die? It really was that easy. And hard.

I have a blood disorder that causes clots. Smoking and this go together like bread and butter...your blood doesn't do what it's supposed to do. The cigarettes make it do that even better. It gets thick, clots form. What is wrong with me?

Another example? I have the best one of all. Watching your baby lay there connected to a machine with a tube that goes down her small throat - breathing for her.

We took the cigarettes and broke them all in half. I am fucking done with this shit. Fuck you cigarettes and fuck you to all the people who make them and think it's okay. Who actually sleep at night knowing this is what it fucking does to people. Fuck you. I quit