Monday, May 31, 2010

Words to live by

A friend wrote me this little message today and I had to share because the words are so few but really powerful...

"Good Luck" just doesn't seem to cut it. I wish you hope, faith and acceptance tomorrow and in the days ahead.

Hope for a healthy baby boy despite his challenges.
Faith that God knows what he is doing.
Acceptance for whatever outcome you are blessed with.

Much love!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

So blue

Even though I have a baby growing inside of me, I feel more alone than I ever have in my entire life.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Click it or Shut up

A lot of my friends have recently started to bitch and moan about the ticket they got for not wearing a seatbelt. Yeah, yeah it's your right NOT to wear one, the "man" is stripping your rights away, blah blah blah.

But, For as long as I've been driving - so at least the past 15 years - our state has had some pretty harsh seatbelt laws. So why are you surprised to get a ticket? And why are you complaining? There are signs, radio ads and commercials all over about the Click it or Ticket campaign.

I just don't get the reasoning behind not wearing one. The best excuse anyone can come up with always mentions the ol' "I know people who would have been KILLED if they were wearing their seatbelt." Really? Really. REALLY!

You know, fine. If you don't want to wear one, it IS your right. If you don't give a shit about dying, having your head snapped or flying through the windshield - to each his own. But take a moment to think that your stupidity effects more people than yourself and even your loved ones. There's the poor sap who has to scrape your body off the road or consider the person in the other car who will have nightmares for life of seeing your body thrown from the car into a crumpled heap.

I guess I shouldn't complain - more revenue for the state. Maybe a few teachers can keep their jobs if you continue to be so irresponsible. Sounds like a plan to me

Well-deserved bitch fest coming

Having a bad cough when you're as pregnant as I am is just a pure form of torture. My throat hurts so bad, I can barely swallow and Tylenol does jack shit for the pain.

It could be worse, but ever since this cough started those pesky braxton hicks decided to join in the fun. I just feel miserable, and Sadie's coming home for the weekend so being sick must be a qualification for that. There's always a hitch, but I'd rather be sick with her around then completely alone like I have been the past four weeks.

Baby W is hanging in there. His movement has drastically decreased over the past few days, but I was told to expect that at times. Still, it's enough to worry the crap out of anyone.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Baby W - 27 weeks

Today we had the first bio-physical profile of our little man - basically a glimpse into seeing how well he's growing, moving and breathing. They give you a score based on what they see. The best you can get is an 8 and we got a 5 today. What they saw was a lot of what I expected, and things are essentially the same. So no curve-ball was thrown our way and for that I'm thankful.

He lost 3 points because of the low fluid, his breathing was lackluster and his weight was not so hot. But he was moving, kicking and had a nice, healthy heartbeat and that made me happy.

The ultrasound tech didn't give me a number on the fluid level but said it was pretty much the same as before. His weight is 1 lb and 10 oz. He should be at least 2 lbs at this juncture but we expected this as it's typically a result of low fluid.

So, it wasn't a bad visit at all since everything that I was told was pretty much in line with what we were expecting. He's hanging in there and next week will be 28 weeks! A huge milestone to me. Even more amazing is that he will be here sometime in the next two months - I can't wait to meet our son - but definitely not too soon.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Mammers' Diapering Academy

A few weeks ago after shipping Sadie off over to my mom's house - we decided to eliminate diapers and go strictly to a "Pull-Ups" only policy. Not so much because we want her potty trained before the baby gets here, but because her diapers kept leaking and she fought tooth and nail over having to get her diaper changed. This seemed like a good compromise for everyone.

When she pees or poops, we change her in the bathroom instead of the changing table and encourage her to help in the process by pulling off her diaper, throwing it away, wiping her own "poofy" or flushing her poo down the potty.

Long story short, early last night she apparently made a deposit in her Pull-Up. Erik and I didn't even know she had because within seconds of pooping she slowly and ever-so-carefully slipped off her pants and Pull-Up and headed toward the bathroom with the deposit still in the Pull-Up. She lifted the toilet seat, dumped her poop in, asked for a wipe for her butt and threw away her diaper.

We might not have her potty trained before the baby gets here, but if she's changing her own Pull-Ups - Who cares!?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Baby W - 26 weeks picture

It's really hard to tell but he is sideways here. His head is on the right, the dark circle is an eye socket. The rest of his body is to the left, but you can't really see it at all. That's what happens when the fluid is so low - there is no contrast and no "window" into seeing the baby clearly.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Baby W - 26 weeks

One more week under my belt is a good week - that's how I need to start looking at things.

At most, 10 more weeks until we meet our son. Things are continuing down the same track - His fluid level is the same as it was last week, but it should be going up as he grows - which is why they will start looking at him a lot closer starting on Monday.

We'll start having weekly ultrasounds, bio-physical profiles and NST's to see how big he's getting, how he's doing with breathing and to check his movement.

Bedrest from here on out is pretty much a given. The thought of my parents taking care of Sadie for another two months is a little overwhelming. The guilt associated with that is undeniable - and I feel so torn between doing what is best for the baby and being there for Sadie as her mom.

So, the news isn't great but the baby is holding tight and that's more than we could hope for. We just hope he decides to stay in for as long as he can - and at this point, our goal is one week at a time.

Erik has also been more than any woman could ask for. Not only is he working so hard at his job, but every night he comes home - picks up the house, throws in a load of laundry and takes care of me. These kinds of situations in life can either bring two people together or drive them apart. I think our experiences in the past have helped us come together again and face this head on with the best attitude we have.

Hang in there Baby W - we love you so much.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Monday, Monday

Going back to the doctor tomorrow for another ultrasound, another biophysical profile, another consult...

I am just praying that this whole thing is better tomorrow. I'm praying that we'll go and everything will be back to the way it was a few weeks ago.

I hate having to leave Sadie for another week. I don't want to leave her and I just want us to have things back to normal. I want to go outside and play with her, pick out her clothes for the day, cuddle her when she's crying. This is so hard. I know it could be worse and I know I need to stay positive, and I am. But Sunday nights are the worst, because it means another 5 days till I see my baby again.

I told her tonight that we have to do this. She doesn't want to go to grandma's tomorrow - that's what she told me. I told her that we're doing this so that her brother doesn't get sick like she did - and Sadie said "okay mommy."

Everyone probably thinks I'm a completely insane, hormonal nutcase. I have a lot to be grateful for but this is hard. And it's sad most of all. I try to take naps during the day to pass the time, but I can't fall asleep because my mind is just thinking about a million different things. I really should just shut up and be thankful. I guess I want to know that it's okay if I feel thankful and sad all at the same time?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Journal time...

Blogs are nice, they're convenient - but I really don't think they have anything on writing in your own journal and in your own handwriting.

My neighbor and friend brought me a goodie bag for bedrest and included a journal for me and I love it. Writing is great therapy folks. And if I was an artist, I'm sure I'd say the same thing about drawing or something like that - but I'm so not talented in that area. My drawings are stick figures.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Missing my Mammers

I know I know, it's only been a few days but I'm missing Sadie more than ever. She's been sick, which makes it a little harder, because no one can make her feel better besides a little TLC from her mommy right? Well, I guess grandma has been making the cut lately instead - which is actually good and I shouldn't complain.

I'm lucky that we get her back home Friday mornings and don't have to bring her back until my doctor appointments on Monday. That's half the week and that's much better than nothing. They wanted to put me in the hospital and I know I'd never see her if that happened - I'll take what I can get.

And besides, I have another baby to take care of. I just hope this doesn't last too long, 10 more weeks of this is no walk in the park.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Baby W - 25 Weeks

Today was the follow-up to last week's ultrasound and all the surprises that came with it. I was very hopeful that things would just magically be back to "normal" but we hit the same obstacles as last week. However, we've finally gotten some answers as to what to expect and what to plan for as the pregnancy progresses.

My amniotic fluid levels dropped another .5 cm from last week, which isn't the best news. At this point, there is so little fluid around the baby that his ability to move is compromised. With such low fluid, it's impossible to get any proper scans of his heart, kidney or bladder at this point. All things that could be contributing to this low amniotic fluid. The doctor did say, that at the 20 week ultrasound - the kidneys looked great, and that a development issue between then and now is unlikely. Besides, there's just no way to tell.

We have decided against doing an amnio to check for chromosomal abnormalities. After receiving all of the information from the genetic's doctor, it was decided that it was in the best interest of the baby to avoid any unneccessary testing at this point. An amnio this late in the game, and with fluid so dangerously low - could spontaneously jump-start labor.

So what does all of these mean in the long run? Since there is no way to tell what is causing this to happen (most likely, we will never know) the doctor based her answer off of what she has seen. I am at a dramatically increased chance of going into premature labor. Our goal is to make it to 36 weeks and hopefully induce at that point. But because things are progressing the way they are, we have taken precautions to prepare for a worst-case scenario. I received my first of two steriod injections to help aid in the development of our baby's lungs. I get another one tomorrow - and hopefully if we make it far enough, we will get a second round of injections.

At this point, I have a lot of faith in our little baby boy. He has come a long way in our eyes, and we really feel that he has a guardian angel protecting him at every step. If it wasn't for the baby moving around so much and not cooperating at our 20 week ultrasound, this issue with the amniotic fluid would have never been disccovered. As much as I don't wish that we have this issue to face - I'm thanking God that we found out when we did.

So with all that said, I'm on bedrest and go every week for ultrasounds and doctor consults to keep tabs on the situation and decide the best course of action for that week. I'm very thankful we found our doctor and that she is looking at our case on an individual basis and treating me with the utmost compassion and understanding. Please keep praying for our baby and thank you so much for all the prayers from everyone already.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Plant dust

I really must be nesting. Erik took Sadie out this morning so I could have some "me" time and all I did was clean. What was the one thing I obsessed over? How dusty my house plants were. Yes. I dusted my plants. Is it Monday yet?

Friday, May 7, 2010

Amnio :(

Got all my genetic counseling junk in the mail today. Looks like an amnio is happening on Monday. To say that this sucks is the understatement of the year. I just wish I could understand why all this is going on.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Genetic counseling...

So I got a phone call today from another doctor at the hospital who said that my MFM doctor wanted to schedule me for genetic counseling the same day as my ultrasound and appt with her. When I asked why, all she could tell me was that the doctor wanted it done after looking at the scans we had done on Monday. I am hoping and praying that this baby is okay. He doesn't move like Sadie did, but maybe that's just him or maybe I'm just paranoid. All we can do now is pray for the best - but sitting here and wondering what is going on with our son is enough to drive anyone crazy. Again, I'm just thankful that my doctor is on top of things with me. It's a very different experience than the last time as far as how I'm treated as a person. They haven't given up hope yet and I'm not either.

Waiting game

OH my god this is driving me crazy. I know it's just a few more days until Monday but I really want to just know what's going on with the baby and get some answers. Poor Sadie - I pretty much took out a lot of my emotions on her yesterday. I just want to know that things are going to be okay.

An old co-worker of mine is actually going thru the same thing right now - which is a little wild considering how rare the condition is at this point in the pregnancy. She called yesterday and I absolutely have some reassurance that I'm not losing my mind and that all these emotions are completely normal.

The thing is, I prepared myself for a GOOD pregnancy - and this completely threw us for a loop. It's not even a thrombophilia-related thing which is even more bizarre. I'm sure I'm doing nothing good by overthinking everything, but what the hell else am I supposed to do?

I did keep busy yesterday and took Sadie to this awesome park in Morris. That was fun, then we got hot dogs and french fries. That stuff can make anyone feel better for the moment. And Sadie? She is so cute - says hi to EVERYONE and everyone always says hi right back and smiles. Definitely happy for the distraction of a super-sweet Mammers. She makes any day a lot better. Thanks Sadie.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

This is exactly how our week is going in the W house...

Baby W - 24 weeks

After waking up this morning, my entire day at the hospital on Monday pretty much didn't seem real at all. When the doctor came in with her assistant, I knew we were in for the long haul, but I had no idea how serious the issue with low amniotic fluid can be. Especially this early in the pregnancy.

When we got up to L&D triage I can definitely say that I completely lost it. I was not ready for all of this so early on. The worst thing about the entire situation is not knowing what's going on. We just have to wait it out and hope for the best. I'm praying and praying that my fluid levels remain the same at the very least.

At the same time, it's beyond reassuring being at the hospital we're at. This is why I went to the ends of the earth to find a doctor who would be there for us when we needed them to be there - and she didn't mess around yesterday.

I don't know anything about the baby. They still can't see the heart or get good scans of the abdomen. His head got bigger from last time, so that showed growth which is great. The L&D nurses said to try not to relax until Monday but that it is perfectly okay to be upset. It's a really scary thing. All I want is for this baby to be okay and to avoid the obstacles that Sadie faced as a newborn. I have so much faith in my doctor and in God - I know things happen for a reason and we will find out why in time.