I'm not looking for backlash here from busy moms...but I'm a bored mommy.
We pretty much just have our little routine here. Breakfast, letter video, playtime, color, nap, lunch...When Sadie's napping, I usually take a nap too - or a long bath.
It's about the nicest thing ever. Trust me, there are days when I have an abundance of things to do...I do all of the bills, I clean, I cook everything, make lunches, iron. But, I'm happy. And I'm bored. And it's great. I think this downtime is definitely welcome in the Williams house.
I'm looking to start a part time job on the weekends here coming up in the winter. Wish a girl some luck. I need my own spending money.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Writing on the brain
When you're forced to think about something tragic, it can instantly bring it all back in an instant.
I'm trying to write a short story about Sadie's NICU stay, what happened to our family, what happened to me. It's not about me though, It's about Sadie and what I couldn't give her. The guilt I don't think will ever leave my soul. The part of my heart that knows something is missing.
I hope I can do this without it seeming completely trite. I love my Sadie. I think I might have to look back at some old blogs for "inspiration" if you want to call it that.
I'm trying to write a short story about Sadie's NICU stay, what happened to our family, what happened to me. It's not about me though, It's about Sadie and what I couldn't give her. The guilt I don't think will ever leave my soul. The part of my heart that knows something is missing.
I hope I can do this without it seeming completely trite. I love my Sadie. I think I might have to look back at some old blogs for "inspiration" if you want to call it that.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Mommy Blogs - For your information
In case anyone is actually reading any of this (haha) i'm mostly doing this for me. I want to compile all the blogs I wrote about Sadie's illness, my surgeries and how all that added up over the past year. I still have a ton of emails to go thru and post - and then there's MY journal.
I don't think any of that's going on here, probably best used for a little something I'm writing about Sadie's stay at the hospital after birth.
Woops, there goes the buzzer for my zuchinni. I'm never getting anything done!
I don't think any of that's going on here, probably best used for a little something I'm writing about Sadie's stay at the hospital after birth.
Woops, there goes the buzzer for my zuchinni. I'm never getting anything done!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Michelle's Mommy Blogs - Coping with the Pain (Part 2)
Friday, April 25, 2008
vacuum - day one
IT SUCKS! literally! haha god i'm funny.
no seriously, the vacuum is on and attached and it's going okay. i'm in a lot of pain from the thing, but every day will get better.
my wound is healing really well. it's starting to "tunnel" - meaning heal from the inside out. the nurse said it looks like a side of beef - which is very good!
i have only two pieces of foam inside instead of three, so it's shrinking slow but sure.
i'm hoping to have this thing off in less than 10 days, but we'll see.
i'm so grateful to my mom. she has stayed here every day since monday to take care of sadie. i dont know what i'd do without her. thanks mom!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
ooooh happy day
i can't wait for the following:
- getting wound vac taken off
- having my c-section HEAL completely!
- being able to walk without pain
- looking at my stomach without that big, ugly lump on it
- finally being able to fully enjoy sadie to the fullest extent
- going on our first "vacation" as a family
- brookfield zoo with my sister or karlene!
- swimming!
- warmer weather
- finding out what ever happened to dan
- telling my EX-doctor what i REALLY think of him
- ending my run of the worst luck ever
- taking sadie to disney world
- planting my flowers
- tomatoes from the garden
- a big ol' thunderstorm (the kind with sirens but no actual tornado)
- finding time to pursue my interests (photography, urbex, etc)
- losing 20 more lbs (when i'm finally able to work out!)
- being good, ol' regular, non-sick ME
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
flipping out
so i completely lost it today.
sadie is so constipated and the poor thing screamed for a few hours straight. my mom tried everything she could and all i can do is just sit there and try to hold her.
i feel like sadie is so confused - like she doesn't know who her mom is because so much has been going on. everytime she wakes up, it's someone else other than me, picking her up from the crib. i know she misses the routine we used to have.
i love her so much and to be back at square one after you were finally getting into the groove of things is disheartening.
i don't feel like a good mom. i feel like i failed her, it's my fault she got sick. i left her alone all those nights at children's. i should have followed my gut when i KNEW something was wrong with the c-section.
i need to vent. thank god for my mom. and for erik.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
dear god: end my shitty luck. amen.
i really have a good feeling i might get this thing off tomorrow. i'm hardly having any drainage at all.
please let this thing come off me tomorrow. so i can pick up my baby, drive a car, walk without pain, snuggle with my hubby - you know, the usual.
please please please come off me soon herbie (yeah, i named my wound vac, so would you if you were attached to one forEVER).
well, even if it doesn't come off tomorrow, i get to take, dum dum daaaah - A SHOWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. and i feel funky. and probably smell that way too.
i changed my profile song. for whatever reason and for whatever crappy mood i'm in, that song makes me get a goofy grin on my face. because the words are true.
i need a drink. a stiff one.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
please please please please
i know it's bad to want things from god. or blasphemous or whatever - but please pray i get this thing out of me tomorrow - it's been waaaaay too long.
michelle
Friday, May 02, 2008
looks like it’s me and herbie
by the time it's all said and done, it'll be over two weeks since i got a wound vac.
looks like i'll continue to annoy everyone for a few more days. especially erik. i think he hates me right about now.
sorry i've been bothering everyone.
vacuum - day one
IT SUCKS! literally! haha god i'm funny.
no seriously, the vacuum is on and attached and it's going okay. i'm in a lot of pain from the thing, but every day will get better.
my wound is healing really well. it's starting to "tunnel" - meaning heal from the inside out. the nurse said it looks like a side of beef - which is very good!
i have only two pieces of foam inside instead of three, so it's shrinking slow but sure.
i'm hoping to have this thing off in less than 10 days, but we'll see.
i'm so grateful to my mom. she has stayed here every day since monday to take care of sadie. i dont know what i'd do without her. thanks mom!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
ooooh happy day
i can't wait for the following:
- getting wound vac taken off
- having my c-section HEAL completely!
- being able to walk without pain
- looking at my stomach without that big, ugly lump on it
- finally being able to fully enjoy sadie to the fullest extent
- going on our first "vacation" as a family
- brookfield zoo with my sister or karlene!
- swimming!
- warmer weather
- finding out what ever happened to dan
- telling my EX-doctor what i REALLY think of him
- ending my run of the worst luck ever
- taking sadie to disney world
- planting my flowers
- tomatoes from the garden
- a big ol' thunderstorm (the kind with sirens but no actual tornado)
- finding time to pursue my interests (photography, urbex, etc)
- losing 20 more lbs (when i'm finally able to work out!)
- being good, ol' regular, non-sick ME
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
flipping out
so i completely lost it today.
sadie is so constipated and the poor thing screamed for a few hours straight. my mom tried everything she could and all i can do is just sit there and try to hold her.
i feel like sadie is so confused - like she doesn't know who her mom is because so much has been going on. everytime she wakes up, it's someone else other than me, picking her up from the crib. i know she misses the routine we used to have.
i love her so much and to be back at square one after you were finally getting into the groove of things is disheartening.
i don't feel like a good mom. i feel like i failed her, it's my fault she got sick. i left her alone all those nights at children's. i should have followed my gut when i KNEW something was wrong with the c-section.
i need to vent. thank god for my mom. and for erik.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
dear god: end my shitty luck. amen.
i really have a good feeling i might get this thing off tomorrow. i'm hardly having any drainage at all.
please let this thing come off me tomorrow. so i can pick up my baby, drive a car, walk without pain, snuggle with my hubby - you know, the usual.
please please please come off me soon herbie (yeah, i named my wound vac, so would you if you were attached to one forEVER).
well, even if it doesn't come off tomorrow, i get to take, dum dum daaaah - A SHOWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. and i feel funky. and probably smell that way too.
i changed my profile song. for whatever reason and for whatever crappy mood i'm in, that song makes me get a goofy grin on my face. because the words are true.
i need a drink. a stiff one.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
please please please please
i know it's bad to want things from god. or blasphemous or whatever - but please pray i get this thing out of me tomorrow - it's been waaaaay too long.
michelle
Friday, May 02, 2008
looks like it’s me and herbie
by the time it's all said and done, it'll be over two weeks since i got a wound vac.
looks like i'll continue to annoy everyone for a few more days. especially erik. i think he hates me right about now.
sorry i've been bothering everyone.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Michelle's Mommy Blogs - Coping
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Sadie’s home!
Yay and joy!
Been so busy I forgot to post a blog up here about it.
She’s doing so well at home. Mostly, Sadie sleeps all day and night and is up for about 2 hours at the most to eat and enjoy her surroundings.
Lucy is doing really well with her too - which I knew she would.
I still can’t believe she is here. When we went to pick her up yesterday, it felt like I was going to the hospital all over again to have her. I guess that’s what a traumatic c-section does to a woman.
I had a horrible experience at Silver Cross. My nurses were great, but that’s about it. I feel like my doctor just took the baby out and left. Like, he did his job and figured that’s all he needed to do. Besides the c-section, he spent a total of about 10 mintues with me over 28 hours. Nice huh?
Then when I went to see him last week - and he asked about the baby, I told him the story - which is a sad one. I was crying a lot because it is a sad thing...so what does he do? Write me a prescription for anti-depresants. Don’t worry, I’m not taking them.
When we got home yesterday - Erik gets the mail and get this: our insurance company denied our claim for Sadie. they covered her for 5 of the 11 days she was at Childrens. WTF? i guess she wasn’t sick enough or something. i hate insurance. even if you have it - it can bite you in the ass.
well, off to write some interesting tales in sadie’s baby book. thank you to everyone for all your love and prayers.
Friday, March 21, 2008
finally - the end?
okay - i am hoping this is the last "pregnancy" complication i ever have to write about.
went to the doctor (not my stupid, ignorant OB) and had her check out the incision from the c-section. i’ve been having horrible stinging/burning pain for about two weeks now. it’s just to the point where i can’t take it anymore.
then i started having chills/fever and figured the stupid fucking thing was infected - and i was right.
it just pisses me off that my OB who literally glanced at the incision didn’t catch this two weeks ago.
the doctor i saw today was more in-depth and thourough than my OB was when i was in labor.
anyway - i’m on antibiotics now so it should take care of everything. the craptacular side-effect is that i can’t nurse the baby and have to go back to the pump - which i fear will deplete the little milk i have. but, you know what?
i tried harder than any woman could have tried. for the insane amount of stress/fatigue/pain i was in and the PCOS factor - i think i did the best job i could have done. i sacrificed spending time with my sick baby in the hospital to sit in a lactation room for 30-45 minutes at a time. i tried different drugs to no avail. i tried every suggestion from every person who had an idea to offer me.
i can’t keep beating myself up about it either. i just can’t. i have been hard enough on myself about everything that happened to sadie - so i don’t think this would help me get over anything any quicker.
it’s getting better to sleep at night. i have good days and bad days. i still can’t help thinking that there was something i could have done to prevent sadie from catching that virus. i still think about all the nights she had to spend alone in a cold, metal hospital crib surrounded by other crying, sick babies. it breaks my heart to think of it.
i don’t think about it as much - but i know i will never forget what happened to sadie. i sometimes feel like erik and i have been through 20 years of parenting in two weeks.
i’m mad that i missed out on two weeks of her life. i’m hurt and sad that i never had the chance to hold her after she was born. it’s all these little moments that i missed that hurt so bad. i’ll never get those moments back.
but, for every complication, every bit of bad news, every minute i missed with my baby - i’m grateful. i’m so happy erik had the time off that he did. i don’t know how we could have gone through everything without each other. i feel so blessed that sadie is home now.
the nice thing about everything is, is that we can try again for another baby - and hopefully, things will work out a lot better next time. i’m pretty sure they will.
Friday, March 28, 2008
our kit kat bar of a situation
i was going to write about this, but my husband wrote an extremely fitting blog on the topic and thought i’d just repost it here for all to see:
Give me a break of that Kit-Kat Bar
Current mood: frustrated
Category: Life
So we took Sadie to the doctor today for her one month check up and quess what we got ourselves, a sandwich. Well not the kinda sandwich that you would eat but a good, bad, good sandwich, (so it could be worse, so her it is).
Bread (whole grain with honey): So she has gained about 14 oz in two weeks that is very good, however, turns out that she has a heart murmer (not too sure if I spelled that one write?).
Meat (rancid bologna): It could be a functionable heart murmer which lots of people have and it’s no big deal, you can function without a health risk or it could be the other type of murmer which is indicative of a flap on the heart that has not closed post-congential (a little mayo that has been left out). The flap is used to directly the blood from the heart to the organs thus by-passing the O2 rich air of the lungs, which is fine when in utero, however post birth, the flap is supposed to close and allow the blood to go from the heart to the lungs and then to the rest of her body. So now we have to take Sadie to a cardiologist and find out why her second "skin flap" is not closed (wilted lettuce and rotton tomato (YUMMY)).
Bread(Texas Toast): To finish off this sandwich, Sadie grew one inch to 21 inches and her head has grown a centermenter, which is getting closer to the size of Daddy’s fat head.
Hey all I know is that I hope this sandwich can be followed by a Kit-Kat Bar of a break. But keep her in your prayers cuz lately that Kit-Kat bar has fallen between the cushions in your car that you had in highschool, and has gathered some crunchy mcdonald french fries that are from 6 months ago, some long strains of hairs, and has partly morphed into the fabrics of your seat.
Well, at the end of the day I’m getting tired of all this shit happening to Michelle and Sadie. The good thing is that I have my health, our strength, faith in God and positve thinking.
I’ll keep ya’ll updated on what we find out in the next weeks, but as of right now, I have made myself quite hungry and I’m gonna grab something to eat. Maybe I will wash it down with a Kit-Kat bar that doesnt scare small children, and doesn’t perfusely persiper and doesn’t pop whiteheads with a compass they used in highschool, and doesn’t leave dry cakes of deoderant underneath there arms. But the powers that may be, keep signing my paycheck of faith and fortune and this is just one bridge to cross and leave in the back distance.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
hating
i am so mad and i just need to vent. i’m really ticked off at my OB for ignoring me when I knew something was wrong with my c-section. i’m pissed that he wrote me off by givng me a prescription for anti-depressants.
i dont understand why i ended up having this stupid thing growing on my stomach that is insanely painful and isn’t supposed to go away for months. i just have to deal with it.
even though i know she’ll be okay - she just has to be - i’m can’t help but worry about sadie and her little heart. i’m sure it’s nothing, but i just would like a break for once. just one break.
one week without going to the doctor, one week where i don’t have to worry about anything.
at the same time, i’m just glad i have erik and sadie. they’re the greatest things that have ever happened to me. and a lot of the times, when things suck - they make it all better.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
get out of my brain. please.
i can't stop thinking about everything that happened with sadie.
knowing she was so lonely for so long. not being able to hold my newborn baby - not being able to give her the ONE thing that would make her so much better, my milk.
i was talking to erik in bed last night and i realized something.
something is missing. something in my heart - some connection - just SOMETHING that we should have had together but we don't. i'm sorry sadie that i wasn't there for you more. i would do things so different.
i'm also tired of people telling me things like "oh she's home now, be happy."
easier said than done. i can't make shit in my head dissapear. trust me, if i could, i would.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Hey Michelle - why don’t you get some weird, funky health problem again? OKAY I WIlL!
Hey guess what?
You won't guess. So i will tell you.
Okay. Last week, i thought i had the flu. i had fevers, chills, vomiting - the usual.
Sooo, i just took it easy and pretty much ignored it. that's what you do when you have a newborn to take care of.
Anyway - so Sunday, Sadie got baptized, so i kinda put the pukey, flu-like feelings aside for the day so we could get things done. After a LONG day, we come home and i go to the bathroom.
(warning, kinda wierd, gross stuff ahead)
After i pee, i am pulling up my underwear and notice the entire front is covered in this yellowish, sticky stuff. I was like, no. this is not happening.
I stand up and look in the mirror, and my c-section (which has been giving me problems since DAY ONE) looked like someone had been chewing on it.
It was all red and disfigured - and PAINFUL. (keep in mind, i had seen my doctor 3 different times to get this fixed - and he said that everything was fine and healing well).
So, i put the baby down and rush over to mary's to have her look at it. i pull up my shirt, show her and ask, "what do you think?"
she says "ummm. yeah you really should go in. right now"
so my mom drives out to mary's and picks me up and off we head to St. Joes because i'll be DAMNED if i EVER go to silver cross ever again.
long story short - they did a CAT scan in the ER and it shows that the incision is completely infected - so a surgeon comes straight in and does surgery right there in the ER.
he re-opens the wound so it will drain out and admits me.
so. i finally got home today - but it's like i had the c-section all over again.
bascially, they keep the wound open and stuff it with stuff to help it heal from the inside out. then, i'm hooked up to a "wound vac" that sucks all the bad stuff out.
sounds fun huh?
so everytime they have to change the wound dressing, they have to re-open it and shove gauze in there and foam stuff and this silver thing.
i can't even begin to convey the pure anger and hatred i have for my doctor that completely ignored me. i'd go into more detail about this person, but we plan on seeking legal counsel over the matter - because i was hospitalized and had surgery for no reason at all. it never should have gotten to this point.
i couldn't even leave my room because i was in isolation for infection. turns out, the cultures they took showed infectious disease growing in my tissue and my skin. nice huh?
thanks doctor for telling me i was fine after all those times i went to you - a person who had the resources to care and cure, but who didn't give a shit at all.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
vacuum in my stomach
tomorrow i get a "wound vac" put in my stomach. it sucks - i had it in the hospital, but now i'm going to be attached to it constantly.
i just have to remind myself that every day is one step closer to the end of all of this.
i got to see my "wound" today when the nurse came. it seriously looks like a dog or something took a giant bite out of me. it's the sickest thing i've ever seen.
just thought i'd share that!
on the other hand, my nurse is kick ass and she has my doctor as her doctor too - so it's nice to relate.
thanks for all the comments from everyone! fuck silver cross!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
something i found...
This really sums up how it feels after having a c-section:
The birth is much more that the arrival of a child. It is also a crucial moment in the life of many women. Ever since our first menstruation, we have been told about our innate ability to conceive and birth children. That the woman needs to birth by cesarean may give rise to feelings that her body has failed her or even a sense of guilt to not have taken good care of the baby she has been carrying. These thoughts can become obsessive: the woman can constantly dwell on this theme thinking of what she could have done so that the birth would have occurred differently. One way to alleviate these feelings is to discuss the birth with the professionals who attended the birth or with other doctors or midwives who can help the mother better understand what occurred. Many times the father of the baby has also suffered great fear and may be concerned about his wife's recuperation or her future pregnancies. Alternatively, he might not understand her sadness if the child is perfectly healthy. Sharing these feelings intimately may relieve the feelings of guilt and blame.
Sadie’s home!
Yay and joy!
Been so busy I forgot to post a blog up here about it.
She’s doing so well at home. Mostly, Sadie sleeps all day and night and is up for about 2 hours at the most to eat and enjoy her surroundings.
Lucy is doing really well with her too - which I knew she would.
I still can’t believe she is here. When we went to pick her up yesterday, it felt like I was going to the hospital all over again to have her. I guess that’s what a traumatic c-section does to a woman.
I had a horrible experience at Silver Cross. My nurses were great, but that’s about it. I feel like my doctor just took the baby out and left. Like, he did his job and figured that’s all he needed to do. Besides the c-section, he spent a total of about 10 mintues with me over 28 hours. Nice huh?
Then when I went to see him last week - and he asked about the baby, I told him the story - which is a sad one. I was crying a lot because it is a sad thing...so what does he do? Write me a prescription for anti-depresants. Don’t worry, I’m not taking them.
When we got home yesterday - Erik gets the mail and get this: our insurance company denied our claim for Sadie. they covered her for 5 of the 11 days she was at Childrens. WTF? i guess she wasn’t sick enough or something. i hate insurance. even if you have it - it can bite you in the ass.
well, off to write some interesting tales in sadie’s baby book. thank you to everyone for all your love and prayers.
Friday, March 21, 2008
finally - the end?
okay - i am hoping this is the last "pregnancy" complication i ever have to write about.
went to the doctor (not my stupid, ignorant OB) and had her check out the incision from the c-section. i’ve been having horrible stinging/burning pain for about two weeks now. it’s just to the point where i can’t take it anymore.
then i started having chills/fever and figured the stupid fucking thing was infected - and i was right.
it just pisses me off that my OB who literally glanced at the incision didn’t catch this two weeks ago.
the doctor i saw today was more in-depth and thourough than my OB was when i was in labor.
anyway - i’m on antibiotics now so it should take care of everything. the craptacular side-effect is that i can’t nurse the baby and have to go back to the pump - which i fear will deplete the little milk i have. but, you know what?
i tried harder than any woman could have tried. for the insane amount of stress/fatigue/pain i was in and the PCOS factor - i think i did the best job i could have done. i sacrificed spending time with my sick baby in the hospital to sit in a lactation room for 30-45 minutes at a time. i tried different drugs to no avail. i tried every suggestion from every person who had an idea to offer me.
i can’t keep beating myself up about it either. i just can’t. i have been hard enough on myself about everything that happened to sadie - so i don’t think this would help me get over anything any quicker.
it’s getting better to sleep at night. i have good days and bad days. i still can’t help thinking that there was something i could have done to prevent sadie from catching that virus. i still think about all the nights she had to spend alone in a cold, metal hospital crib surrounded by other crying, sick babies. it breaks my heart to think of it.
i don’t think about it as much - but i know i will never forget what happened to sadie. i sometimes feel like erik and i have been through 20 years of parenting in two weeks.
i’m mad that i missed out on two weeks of her life. i’m hurt and sad that i never had the chance to hold her after she was born. it’s all these little moments that i missed that hurt so bad. i’ll never get those moments back.
but, for every complication, every bit of bad news, every minute i missed with my baby - i’m grateful. i’m so happy erik had the time off that he did. i don’t know how we could have gone through everything without each other. i feel so blessed that sadie is home now.
the nice thing about everything is, is that we can try again for another baby - and hopefully, things will work out a lot better next time. i’m pretty sure they will.
Friday, March 28, 2008
our kit kat bar of a situation
i was going to write about this, but my husband wrote an extremely fitting blog on the topic and thought i’d just repost it here for all to see:
Give me a break of that Kit-Kat Bar
Current mood: frustrated
Category: Life
So we took Sadie to the doctor today for her one month check up and quess what we got ourselves, a sandwich. Well not the kinda sandwich that you would eat but a good, bad, good sandwich, (so it could be worse, so her it is).
Bread (whole grain with honey): So she has gained about 14 oz in two weeks that is very good, however, turns out that she has a heart murmer (not too sure if I spelled that one write?).
Meat (rancid bologna): It could be a functionable heart murmer which lots of people have and it’s no big deal, you can function without a health risk or it could be the other type of murmer which is indicative of a flap on the heart that has not closed post-congential (a little mayo that has been left out). The flap is used to directly the blood from the heart to the organs thus by-passing the O2 rich air of the lungs, which is fine when in utero, however post birth, the flap is supposed to close and allow the blood to go from the heart to the lungs and then to the rest of her body. So now we have to take Sadie to a cardiologist and find out why her second "skin flap" is not closed (wilted lettuce and rotton tomato (YUMMY)).
Bread(Texas Toast): To finish off this sandwich, Sadie grew one inch to 21 inches and her head has grown a centermenter, which is getting closer to the size of Daddy’s fat head.
Hey all I know is that I hope this sandwich can be followed by a Kit-Kat Bar of a break. But keep her in your prayers cuz lately that Kit-Kat bar has fallen between the cushions in your car that you had in highschool, and has gathered some crunchy mcdonald french fries that are from 6 months ago, some long strains of hairs, and has partly morphed into the fabrics of your seat.
Well, at the end of the day I’m getting tired of all this shit happening to Michelle and Sadie. The good thing is that I have my health, our strength, faith in God and positve thinking.
I’ll keep ya’ll updated on what we find out in the next weeks, but as of right now, I have made myself quite hungry and I’m gonna grab something to eat. Maybe I will wash it down with a Kit-Kat bar that doesnt scare small children, and doesn’t perfusely persiper and doesn’t pop whiteheads with a compass they used in highschool, and doesn’t leave dry cakes of deoderant underneath there arms. But the powers that may be, keep signing my paycheck of faith and fortune and this is just one bridge to cross and leave in the back distance.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
hating
i am so mad and i just need to vent. i’m really ticked off at my OB for ignoring me when I knew something was wrong with my c-section. i’m pissed that he wrote me off by givng me a prescription for anti-depressants.
i dont understand why i ended up having this stupid thing growing on my stomach that is insanely painful and isn’t supposed to go away for months. i just have to deal with it.
even though i know she’ll be okay - she just has to be - i’m can’t help but worry about sadie and her little heart. i’m sure it’s nothing, but i just would like a break for once. just one break.
one week without going to the doctor, one week where i don’t have to worry about anything.
at the same time, i’m just glad i have erik and sadie. they’re the greatest things that have ever happened to me. and a lot of the times, when things suck - they make it all better.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
get out of my brain. please.
i can't stop thinking about everything that happened with sadie.
knowing she was so lonely for so long. not being able to hold my newborn baby - not being able to give her the ONE thing that would make her so much better, my milk.
i was talking to erik in bed last night and i realized something.
something is missing. something in my heart - some connection - just SOMETHING that we should have had together but we don't. i'm sorry sadie that i wasn't there for you more. i would do things so different.
i'm also tired of people telling me things like "oh she's home now, be happy."
easier said than done. i can't make shit in my head dissapear. trust me, if i could, i would.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Hey Michelle - why don’t you get some weird, funky health problem again? OKAY I WIlL!
Hey guess what?
You won't guess. So i will tell you.
Okay. Last week, i thought i had the flu. i had fevers, chills, vomiting - the usual.
Sooo, i just took it easy and pretty much ignored it. that's what you do when you have a newborn to take care of.
Anyway - so Sunday, Sadie got baptized, so i kinda put the pukey, flu-like feelings aside for the day so we could get things done. After a LONG day, we come home and i go to the bathroom.
(warning, kinda wierd, gross stuff ahead)
After i pee, i am pulling up my underwear and notice the entire front is covered in this yellowish, sticky stuff. I was like, no. this is not happening.
I stand up and look in the mirror, and my c-section (which has been giving me problems since DAY ONE) looked like someone had been chewing on it.
It was all red and disfigured - and PAINFUL. (keep in mind, i had seen my doctor 3 different times to get this fixed - and he said that everything was fine and healing well).
So, i put the baby down and rush over to mary's to have her look at it. i pull up my shirt, show her and ask, "what do you think?"
she says "ummm. yeah you really should go in. right now"
so my mom drives out to mary's and picks me up and off we head to St. Joes because i'll be DAMNED if i EVER go to silver cross ever again.
long story short - they did a CAT scan in the ER and it shows that the incision is completely infected - so a surgeon comes straight in and does surgery right there in the ER.
he re-opens the wound so it will drain out and admits me.
so. i finally got home today - but it's like i had the c-section all over again.
bascially, they keep the wound open and stuff it with stuff to help it heal from the inside out. then, i'm hooked up to a "wound vac" that sucks all the bad stuff out.
sounds fun huh?
so everytime they have to change the wound dressing, they have to re-open it and shove gauze in there and foam stuff and this silver thing.
i can't even begin to convey the pure anger and hatred i have for my doctor that completely ignored me. i'd go into more detail about this person, but we plan on seeking legal counsel over the matter - because i was hospitalized and had surgery for no reason at all. it never should have gotten to this point.
i couldn't even leave my room because i was in isolation for infection. turns out, the cultures they took showed infectious disease growing in my tissue and my skin. nice huh?
thanks doctor for telling me i was fine after all those times i went to you - a person who had the resources to care and cure, but who didn't give a shit at all.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
vacuum in my stomach
tomorrow i get a "wound vac" put in my stomach. it sucks - i had it in the hospital, but now i'm going to be attached to it constantly.
i just have to remind myself that every day is one step closer to the end of all of this.
i got to see my "wound" today when the nurse came. it seriously looks like a dog or something took a giant bite out of me. it's the sickest thing i've ever seen.
just thought i'd share that!
on the other hand, my nurse is kick ass and she has my doctor as her doctor too - so it's nice to relate.
thanks for all the comments from everyone! fuck silver cross!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
something i found...
This really sums up how it feels after having a c-section:
The birth is much more that the arrival of a child. It is also a crucial moment in the life of many women. Ever since our first menstruation, we have been told about our innate ability to conceive and birth children. That the woman needs to birth by cesarean may give rise to feelings that her body has failed her or even a sense of guilt to not have taken good care of the baby she has been carrying. These thoughts can become obsessive: the woman can constantly dwell on this theme thinking of what she could have done so that the birth would have occurred differently. One way to alleviate these feelings is to discuss the birth with the professionals who attended the birth or with other doctors or midwives who can help the mother better understand what occurred. Many times the father of the baby has also suffered great fear and may be concerned about his wife's recuperation or her future pregnancies. Alternatively, he might not understand her sadness if the child is perfectly healthy. Sharing these feelings intimately may relieve the feelings of guilt and blame.
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