Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Breaking down the moment

A friend sent me some great things for the new baby a few days ago and I finally got around to putting them all away today. While I was making room in a cupboard for everything, Sadie asked me if this was all for the new baby.

I happily told her "Yes, it is!"

"Mama?" She replied. "Is this baby going to die too?"

Instant falling. My knees felt like they were cut off. I sat there on the kitchen floor, surrounded by diaper boxes and baby bottles - and I had no answer.

Tears. Too many. Flowing quickly, the same path down my face. Like a river.

At that exact moment my friend rang the doorbell. Shit. I forgot she was coming right over. I was so embarrassed, but there was no way I could not cry. There was no way I could pretend like things were okay - and that's sort of how it's been for a while now. I've been pretending so that other people can feel better.

"Yes our baby died, but we're expecting again!"

I've said that too many times. There. Feel better? No uncomfortable silence. Instead, a happy "Congrats!" and we're moving on.

But, my baby is dead. And it's an unrelentless circle of grief. And it sucks. Up and down. Up and down. Happy and sad. Laughter and tears.

I am thankful that my friend was here though. Thankful for the hugs and the comfort.

I called my mom immediately. I was on the verge on completely losing my mind. And for those of you who never have lost your mind? Thank God for that.

My mom put it perfectly. My oldest brother was Sadie's age when her baby died. She told me that all Sadie knows is this. She sees you preparing for this baby, just like we did with Sawyer and all she knows is that Sawyer died. And that's just how it is.

And she's right. That is how it just "is." Children accept things so much differently than we do. It's a miracle to be so innocent and a very touching gift from God if you ask me.

So, in light of my near-breakdown - I'm thankful. For a friend like Carrie. For the wonderful support of my mother when these moments hit. For all of you, who care about me and my little family. Thank you.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Pickles kicks

Just don't want to forget, so I had to write this.

We could see Baby Pickles kicking a lot tonight on my stomach for the first time.

This baby kicks so much.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Sawyer's Tulips

Standing over Sawyer's grave today, I still feel like I just had the wind knocked out of me. That I'm still trying to catch my breath.

A new baby kicks inside of me and here I am, standing over the grave of the child that I had to let go. I sometimes feel like a statue. Frozen in the moment, nothing moves except the wind through my hair and the tears down my face.

Sawyer's tulips are already coming up. I bought some potted tulips last Easter when I was pregnant with him. When they died, I made sure to dig out the bulbs and save them - we planted them at his grave last fall. I bet they'll be blooming for him again by Easter.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Holding on to what I have

Yesterday was a particularly hard one for me and Erik.

I'm not sure why. It wasn't a significant date and there was no specific reason. The sadness just hung over us.

I could hear Erik in the kitchen late last night, humming a song that we both sang to Sawyer as he died - "You Are My Sunshine" - and he had a chair turned, facing out the window. He was looking at Sawyer's angel turning colors in the dark. I don't know if he knew that I could hear him, but I did. And I left him alone. You learn that about grief. That your spouse sometimes, needs that space to just be. And you grow together in learning how it all works. We grieve so differently, and at other times - we're right in sync with each other.

I crawled into Sadie's bed in the middle of the night. I needed to feel her against me. Know that she was safe and warm. I do that a lot. I can feel my broken heart pounding inside of me so powerfully when I do this...

Because when I yearn for Sawyer, there's nothing to hold against my chest. No cheek to stroke or hair to smooth.

I hold Sadie and I'm grateful. And I pray that nothing ever takes her away from me.

The sun is out today and we didn't talk about anything last night. The mood is softer, Sadie makes us laugh. And a new baby is persistantly kicking me all day long.

The hope mixed with the grief. The love pouring out over the loss.

Friday, March 4, 2011