This is my therapy. Writing about what is going on is the only way I'm going to be able to deal with everything.
Had my first appointment today with my new doctor at the University of Chicago. We had the ultrasound first, then about a 40-min session with the nurse to get my history and then a long wait for the doctor. After about 20 minutes, the nurse came into the room and said that the doctor wanted to see me in her office, which at that moment - I knew something was wrong.
The ultrasound showed nothing. Now, it's early in the pregnancy (I'm about 5 weeks) but she said that they would at least have seen the amniotic sac by now. So the doctor kept pressing about the date of my last period (thinking I might be off which is why we didn't see anything) but the date was firm and she didn't seem too optimistic.
She said either I'm pregnant and VERY early or pregnant but something is very wrong. So I have to wait two weeks and then go back for another ultrasound to confirm what's going on. I have to watch for bleeding/cramping and she didn't even start me on the Lovenox injections which has me very concerned. She just told me to take a baby aspirin once a day and wait.
I can say that seeing Sadie after this appointment was the best remedy for a broken heart. No matter what, I'm thankful to God for such a loving, beautiful daughter. But, I can't say that the whole day was very bittersweet.
I posted my experience within the "Factor V Leiden and Pregnancy" group on Yahoo and am hoping and praying for similar stories with happy outcomes. I'm trying to remain very positive and at least I know I can get pregnant at this point.
The doctor was night and day compared to my old OBGYN. Things would definitely go a lot differently this time around as far as how we approach labor and delivery. A VBAC is only possible based off the amount of scarring on the incision too so I'm hopeful about that.
I'm so sad and angry and scared. My emotions are jumping all over the place. I'm trying not to stress out in case everything is okay, but it's really hard not to. We've been through some horrible things in the past, and we've turned out okay - just very blessed to have such an understanding husband in my life.
Hopefully my next update will be a happy one. Praying for a miracle
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
The return of Baby W.
For those of you who actually read this blog (if any) I have a little bit of big news! I'm pregnant!
We were lucky on our first try and beyond happy. I think I'm even happier than last time just because I KNOW what to expect, how to stand up for myself and when to tell the doctor that they are just plain wrong.
Anywho, we're due sometime at the end of next summer, but the baby could come much sooner than that due to the usual complications from Factor V Leiden.
Keep it quiet till I post on my Facebook - which will probably be tomorrow if the ultrasound looks good. We'll take all the prayers we can get too for a much, MUCH better pregnancy and a HEALTHY baby.
We were lucky on our first try and beyond happy. I think I'm even happier than last time just because I KNOW what to expect, how to stand up for myself and when to tell the doctor that they are just plain wrong.
Anywho, we're due sometime at the end of next summer, but the baby could come much sooner than that due to the usual complications from Factor V Leiden.
Keep it quiet till I post on my Facebook - which will probably be tomorrow if the ultrasound looks good. We'll take all the prayers we can get too for a much, MUCH better pregnancy and a HEALTHY baby.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Flashback
I find myself literally daydreaming as I hunker down behind the wheel of my mom-mobile, carseat in the back with the iconic "Baby on Board" sign hanging in the window.
Certain songs can take me back in an instant. Back to my early 20s and the life I led without responsibilities, a disposable income and the freedom to do anything, anytime, anywhere.
Maybe some look back and regret that they didn't do enough. I reflect on my memories - some fondly, others not-so-much. But all those moments brought me to this exact instant. I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't have done more or less. I lived life, and I had fun.
Nowadays, I'm living a different life. And the past 3 years have been more real than any other part of life I've lived. It may have to do with the fact that I feel I've gone through more than most 75-year-olds or it could just be as simple as waking up in the morning, next to your own child in bed - her bright eyes twinkling - she reaches up, hugs you and says "Hi Mommy."
Trust me, all of my moments are not so Hallmark. In fact, the Hallmark moments are hard to come by. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself and feel lonely. To feel misused or that you aren't living life to your full potential as you parent 24-7. Then I stop to think about how I became the person I am. Someone taught me my ABC's, right from wrong, how to tie my shoes. Little things indeed, but I know I've learned the greatest lessons in life from those who have lived them too - who understand you, and who know you more than anyone else. Can't deny that. It's in your blood whether you like it or not. I guess it's how you use it that counts.
Certain songs can take me back in an instant. Back to my early 20s and the life I led without responsibilities, a disposable income and the freedom to do anything, anytime, anywhere.
Maybe some look back and regret that they didn't do enough. I reflect on my memories - some fondly, others not-so-much. But all those moments brought me to this exact instant. I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't have done more or less. I lived life, and I had fun.
Nowadays, I'm living a different life. And the past 3 years have been more real than any other part of life I've lived. It may have to do with the fact that I feel I've gone through more than most 75-year-olds or it could just be as simple as waking up in the morning, next to your own child in bed - her bright eyes twinkling - she reaches up, hugs you and says "Hi Mommy."
Trust me, all of my moments are not so Hallmark. In fact, the Hallmark moments are hard to come by. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself and feel lonely. To feel misused or that you aren't living life to your full potential as you parent 24-7. Then I stop to think about how I became the person I am. Someone taught me my ABC's, right from wrong, how to tie my shoes. Little things indeed, but I know I've learned the greatest lessons in life from those who have lived them too - who understand you, and who know you more than anyone else. Can't deny that. It's in your blood whether you like it or not. I guess it's how you use it that counts.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Jackasses
If you don't want your picture taken, at a wedding, where you are dancing on a TABLE - that's your problem NOT mine.
H1N1 and the Williams Family
My worst fear (at the moment) came true on Thursday around 3 a.m. when we were told that Sadie had somehow contracted Influenza Type A aka Swine Flu aka H1N1. I knew in my heart - probably a super-mommy power - about a day before that she was getting sick. And I also knew that it wasn't going to be good.
In the couple of days leading up to the flu diagnosis, Sadie had been waking up screaming for no reason at all in the middle of the night. A sure sign that some sort of yucky bug has invaded her body and set up camp.
For the past few weeks, I wouldn't say I've been worrying about the H1N1 flu virus, probably more on the verge of panicking over it. I called and put her on a wait list at the pediatrician. Kept up tabs on the local county health clinics and their availability of the injectable vaccine. Finally, Will County pulled through and started their first clinic on Wednesday. Right around the same time Sadie started to not feel so hot.
And it was as fast as they say. She had a runny nose in the morning, but was otherwise playful, talkative...her normal self. I put her down for a nap around noon and she slept until 4 pm. It was my 30th birthday, so I spent her naptime cleaning up the house before my parents and sister stopped by later that evening.
Sadie woke up from her nap cranky, nothing unusual after a long slumber. I popped in Finding Nemo and spent the next half hour getting food set out for my guests.
She suddenly started to cough - a very dry, nasty cough - so I took her temperature. It was a low 99 degrees. I gave her some Motrin for the second time that day (when she gets a runny nose, I try to give her something for the pain because she always gets an ear infection). This was around 4 oclock.
Family came over, and Sadie was having a great time. Around 8 oclock, she suddenly looked glassy-eyed, tired and very cranky. And darn that pesky cough. We gave her another dose of Motrin and put her to bed.
Around 9:30 she woke up in bed. Not crying, but whimpering. She was burning up. So we took her temperature and couldn't believe it was 103 degrees. My mommy instincts kicked in and with her history, I decided to just take her straight to the ER. Definitely glad I did.
So it's been a couple of days and the fever has yet to break. Sadie's been holding up pretty good despite the high temps and Tylenol suppositories (poor thing) and she actually downed her entire dose of Tamiflu last night.
I'm sure Erik and I will be getting it soon. I already have a low-grade fever and my neck is killing me. I just hope we don't get it as bad.
So, how did the paranoid mom end up with a swine flu baby? We hadn't taken her out in weeks - no play dates, no shopping trips - nothing. I'm sure somehow someway, we forgot to sanitize our hands one time or maybe someone's sneeze floated into our personal space. Who knows? I guess you can't spend all your time worrying. But just do the best you can and hope that it works out.
On the plus side, I don't have to get her the H1N1 vaccine now. So instead of waiting in line for 3 hours to get the vaccine, we waited 8 in the emergency room.
In the couple of days leading up to the flu diagnosis, Sadie had been waking up screaming for no reason at all in the middle of the night. A sure sign that some sort of yucky bug has invaded her body and set up camp.
For the past few weeks, I wouldn't say I've been worrying about the H1N1 flu virus, probably more on the verge of panicking over it. I called and put her on a wait list at the pediatrician. Kept up tabs on the local county health clinics and their availability of the injectable vaccine. Finally, Will County pulled through and started their first clinic on Wednesday. Right around the same time Sadie started to not feel so hot.
And it was as fast as they say. She had a runny nose in the morning, but was otherwise playful, talkative...her normal self. I put her down for a nap around noon and she slept until 4 pm. It was my 30th birthday, so I spent her naptime cleaning up the house before my parents and sister stopped by later that evening.
Sadie woke up from her nap cranky, nothing unusual after a long slumber. I popped in Finding Nemo and spent the next half hour getting food set out for my guests.
She suddenly started to cough - a very dry, nasty cough - so I took her temperature. It was a low 99 degrees. I gave her some Motrin for the second time that day (when she gets a runny nose, I try to give her something for the pain because she always gets an ear infection). This was around 4 oclock.
Family came over, and Sadie was having a great time. Around 8 oclock, she suddenly looked glassy-eyed, tired and very cranky. And darn that pesky cough. We gave her another dose of Motrin and put her to bed.
Around 9:30 she woke up in bed. Not crying, but whimpering. She was burning up. So we took her temperature and couldn't believe it was 103 degrees. My mommy instincts kicked in and with her history, I decided to just take her straight to the ER. Definitely glad I did.
So it's been a couple of days and the fever has yet to break. Sadie's been holding up pretty good despite the high temps and Tylenol suppositories (poor thing) and she actually downed her entire dose of Tamiflu last night.
I'm sure Erik and I will be getting it soon. I already have a low-grade fever and my neck is killing me. I just hope we don't get it as bad.
So, how did the paranoid mom end up with a swine flu baby? We hadn't taken her out in weeks - no play dates, no shopping trips - nothing. I'm sure somehow someway, we forgot to sanitize our hands one time or maybe someone's sneeze floated into our personal space. Who knows? I guess you can't spend all your time worrying. But just do the best you can and hope that it works out.
On the plus side, I don't have to get her the H1N1 vaccine now. So instead of waiting in line for 3 hours to get the vaccine, we waited 8 in the emergency room.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
BirthCut
This is an excerpt from a blogger named Michele who runs the website "BirthCut" and I think it sums up quite well the feelings I am still (maybe forever?) coping with almost two years later. Read on:
Birth is an important event in a womans' life. It is a transforming experience - good or bad. It can be amazingly powerful, peaceful and blissful, but it can also be violating, terrifying, and demeaning. Because they survived, or their baby survived, doesn't make it any less traumatic for them. Trauma is relative and is not black and white. To say to someone who has had a traumatic birth that she just needs to be thankful for a live baby is damaging and dismissive, maybe it makes you look like the childish, cold, ignorant, sad, ridiculous, and crazy one.
Birth is an important event in a womans' life. It is a transforming experience - good or bad. It can be amazingly powerful, peaceful and blissful, but it can also be violating, terrifying, and demeaning. Because they survived, or their baby survived, doesn't make it any less traumatic for them. Trauma is relative and is not black and white. To say to someone who has had a traumatic birth that she just needs to be thankful for a live baby is damaging and dismissive, maybe it makes you look like the childish, cold, ignorant, sad, ridiculous, and crazy one.
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