Consideration, please

We visited the cemetery today and - like always - carefully tended to our son's grave. We go to see Sawyer often. Probably more than most people think. The shock of his death has only very recently worn off, and there are still days where we feel completely numb all over again. I wish that people would be more considerate of our healing. That people would take a few seconds to think before they say so many things that can be so incredibly hurtful - not just to me and Erik, but to my children too. I had to hold my son and watch him die. Imagine that. Just try to imagine watching your child slowly die in your arms. So forgive me if I'm taking too long in grieving his life. Because even if I lived on this planet for all of eternity, I'd never get over it.

Without him

I am so sad. Without him... I can't get off this merry-go-round of sad.

Loving-Kindness

We can't give love to others until we can purposefully give love to ourselves with all of our mind.

For the first time in almost two years, I told myself that I was well, happy and peaceful.

In that moment, while the sun was setting - I loved who I was.

And right now, at this moment? I miss feeling that way more than anything in the world.

Ticking away the moments

I swear to God I've had literally no time to post here - or maybe I should say - limited time - since Landon arrived a little over 6 months ago.

Did I just write that? Six months?

Here are some random Lando stats:

Allergic to milk-protein and soy
On expensive, prescription formula
Already had a UTI and Pertussis (lucky me!)
Has TWO teeth that came in on the same day
Can say "mama" "dada" "nana" "lala"
Rolls from one place to another
His favorite toy is the Jumperoo
Loves taking naps with mommy

I couldn't be happier the past few months. Now that we've figured out some of Landon's quirks, likes and dislikes - it's been pretty smooth-sailing.

Sadie has taken on the role of "big sister" in ways that I never could have imagined. She loves her brother so much and looks forward to the moment he wakes up in the morning and every time he wakes up from a nap. He is enthralled with watching her play and showing him how things work. They are going to be best friends, and I am so grateful that they will have each other for the rest of their lives.

I still feel that so much is missing. Yesterday I took a nap with Sadie and Landon in my bed and Sadie asked me to lay Sawyer's blanket across all three of us. It was a moment where that crowded bed suddenly felt so empty. My mind wandered to my sweet baby boy, what would he look like? What would he be like? Would he have blonde hair like his brother or bright, blue eyes like his sister? I wish I could know. I ache to know every day.

1 year, 3 months and 26 days

It still feels like yesterday.

"Get over it"

I will never get over Sawyer's life or his death...

I will never get over making the decision to end my son's life.

I will never get over how it felt to hold a brand new baby in my arms, and watch him slowly die.

I will never get over the way he gasped for air and kept fighting for his life, while my husband and I watched in horror and disbelief, that he kept fighting to live.

I will never get over his nurse checking over and over to hear when his tiny, broken heart finally stopped beating.

I will never get over knowing that the last time I saw his sweet face and touched his soft skin, was when I had to put him into a tiny, black box from the funeral home.

I will never get over you, sweet baby. Never.

Brothers

Every time I look at Landon when he's asleep, I cry. Most of the time, it's just for a moment - But there are some days, where the tears just won't stop.

He looks just like his brother.