Wednesday, January 30, 2013
They have it better, at least.
It's been way too long and I've completely put off any writing here for fear of making public the secrets that will likely haunt my family for the rest of our lives. Every single day is a struggle. I can barely function. I'm losing my memory. And at night, I am haunted by dreams that are so vivid I wake up purely exhausted. I've been off the Ambien for a few weeks, but I'm not sure it's been a good idea - those pesky dreams. Erik's been unbelievably busy at the office which has left me home alone to fend for myself. We are really busy, but there are too many days where it takes every ounce of what's in me to simply roll out of bed and change a diaper. I wish I didn't sound as sad and depressed as I do, but fact is - I just am. The way my life has been flipped upside down and taken over by ghosts isn't how I had it planned. The only thing I can assure myself over and over is that my kids have it better. They have it better than we both did and I will continue to make damn sure of that for as long as they let me.