Not a good appointment today

This is my therapy. Writing about what is going on is the only way I'm going to be able to deal with everything.

Had my first appointment today with my new doctor at the University of Chicago. We had the ultrasound first, then about a 40-min session with the nurse to get my history and then a long wait for the doctor. After about 20 minutes, the nurse came into the room and said that the doctor wanted to see me in her office, which at that moment - I knew something was wrong.

The ultrasound showed nothing. Now, it's early in the pregnancy (I'm about 5 weeks) but she said that they would at least have seen the amniotic sac by now. So the doctor kept pressing about the date of my last period (thinking I might be off which is why we didn't see anything) but the date was firm and she didn't seem too optimistic.

She said either I'm pregnant and VERY early or pregnant but something is very wrong. So I have to wait two weeks and then go back for another ultrasound to confirm what's going on. I have to watch for bleeding/cramping and she didn't even start me on the Lovenox injections which has me very concerned. She just told me to take a baby aspirin once a day and wait.

I can say that seeing Sadie after this appointment was the best remedy for a broken heart. No matter what, I'm thankful to God for such a loving, beautiful daughter. But, I can't say that the whole day was very bittersweet.

I posted my experience within the "Factor V Leiden and Pregnancy" group on Yahoo and am hoping and praying for similar stories with happy outcomes. I'm trying to remain very positive and at least I know I can get pregnant at this point.

The doctor was night and day compared to my old OBGYN. Things would definitely go a lot differently this time around as far as how we approach labor and delivery. A VBAC is only possible based off the amount of scarring on the incision too so I'm hopeful about that.

I'm so sad and angry and scared. My emotions are jumping all over the place. I'm trying not to stress out in case everything is okay, but it's really hard not to. We've been through some horrible things in the past, and we've turned out okay - just very blessed to have such an understanding husband in my life.

Hopefully my next update will be a happy one. Praying for a miracle