Monday, June 14, 2010

Every day...

I ask myself what would life be like right now if Sawyer was still here? How would he be doing? Would he be growing? Would he open his eyes for me?

I would be 30 weeks tomorrow. Which is a crazy thought because I should still have another 10 weeks, over two months, to go with my pregnancy. August 24th is such a long time from now. I wonder if that date will bring some closure or just make things worse?

It seems like every single day gets a little worse. Some days, it feels like every hour hurts more than the last. People tell us to stay strong and keep our heads up - but it's almost impossible at times when the overwhelming sadness consumes you. It's just the way it is. I can't change anything, I can't change how I feel.

Every night I pray to God, then I talk to Sawyer. It brings some of the only comfort I've been able to find. Erik and I cry to each other every night before we fall asleep. Then we pray together.

We have all his things in a chest in our closet. At first, we would go through it all the time. Now, I can't even bring myself to open it, fearing what the smell of his little blanket would do to me. At the same time, I ache for his things and his smell.

I just miss our baby so much that the pain is surreal. Life is constant tunnel-vision.

3 comments:

Michele said...

Michelle,

Have you heard of a place called Glow in the Woods? (http://www.glowinthewoods.com/) It's a place for mothers and fathers who have lost children. I have heard that it is a great source of support. Maybe, when you are ready, you can share Sawyer's story there.

angie said...

Surrounded by friends
yet all alone
the one I loved
God has called home

the hugs of friends
helps ease the pain
and I know my loss
is my loved one's gain

but tears now flow
across my face
as I long for just
one more embrace

then comfort comes
and I see Christ's face
He hugs my loved one
and I feel God's grace.

Angie

Anonymous said...

(((HUGS)))!!! I have no idea what you are all going through, but I pray that things get a little easier for you guys and you start hurting less.
Caarrie