We've been really sad the past week or two. Erik and I know Sawyer's due date is looming and I think we both need it to come, and quietly go. With every important date or anniversary, there is anticipation now. You think it will be better once it's over. It's not.
Today, we finally were able to drag ourselves out of the house for Sadie's sake and made a pretty good day out of it.
Went to the pool, had a nice dinner. Then we went on a bike ride and went fishing for the first time since the summer before Sadie was born. It was simple, and most of all, it was safe.
There are so many people who assume they know what's best for me. I know where I need to be and I'm very aware of the places that I shouldn't.
I know there are a lot of people who want me to be happy. Want me to smile without feeling guilty. Guess what? SO WOULD I.
But that's the thing about grief. You have absolutely no control over it. It's an ocean of waves that ebb in and out. And you are held prisoner to what wave decides to sweep itself ashore from one day to the next. Some are big, and some are small - but every single day for the rest of my life - I know that the waves will be lapping against the shore. Always present, and a permanent part of me.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I caught a lot of fish along the shore tonight.