Saturday, August 21, 2010

Gone fishing

We've been really sad the past week or two. Erik and I know Sawyer's due date is looming and I think we both need it to come, and quietly go. With every important date or anniversary, there is anticipation now. You think it will be better once it's over. It's not.

Today, we finally were able to drag ourselves out of the house for Sadie's sake and made a pretty good day out of it.

Went to the pool, had a nice dinner. Then we went on a bike ride and went fishing for the first time since the summer before Sadie was born. It was simple, and most of all, it was safe.

There are so many people who assume they know what's best for me. I know where I need to be and I'm very aware of the places that I shouldn't.

I know there are a lot of people who want me to be happy. Want me to smile without feeling guilty. Guess what? SO WOULD I.

But that's the thing about grief. You have absolutely no control over it. It's an ocean of waves that ebb in and out. And you are held prisoner to what wave decides to sweep itself ashore from one day to the next. Some are big, and some are small - but every single day for the rest of my life - I know that the waves will be lapping against the shore. Always present, and a permanent part of me.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I caught a lot of fish along the shore tonight.


Wyatt's Mommie said...

I love your reference to the waves, you couldn't have put it more perfect.

I have been thinking a lot about you, Erik and Sadie. As you know, Wyatt's due date just passed, and I am not going to sugar coat it, it was horrible. It was the worst day since "that day". I didn't think it was going to be, and maybe that is why it was.

Since then, each day has gotten better. I am sure as the next milestone comes around the pain will rise to the surface more.

Please know that as Sawyer's due date arrives, I am here for you. I understand I am miles away, but if you need to talk, please don't hesitate to call me.

Please know that I will be thinking of you and your family on Tuesday.

Jessica C.A Thomas said...

Yey for bish!

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