Wednesday, September 22, 2010

No reason

Tonight's one of those nights where everything is coming at me, all at once.

I can't write about this on Sawyer's blog, it's all too sad. Does that even make any sense, "it's all too sad" to write about it on my dead son's blog?

It's almost been four months. Four of the fastest and slowest days, hours, minutes and seconds of my entire life. I feel like it won't get better ever. Then I feel okay. But when it's bad, it's so very bad. Down into the deepest depths of sadness.

Nothing I could ever do can ever bring him back.

A million tears. Nothing.

Memories are starting to fade and I hate that.

I have the little hat he wore. Two little blue socks. A small bottle of baby lotion. The shampoo we used to bathe him the first and only time. I take it out sometimes and I smell it and I cry. He has one blanket. It doesn't even smell like him anymore and that makes me want to die a thousand times. He is slipping farther away from me. The time between then and now is growing too big. The gap too painful to bear.

I am angry. I hadn't been for a long time, but now I am. I wake up numb. I can't feel my fingers or my toes. My face tingles and I have no idea why. It's just how it is.

And that's what I hate, how this all is.

I hate the beautiful days, because without him here it all seems like such a waste.

I hate the rainy days, because it makes the pain more raw.

I hate seeing Sadie alone. She is not supposed to be alone. She is a big sister. She has a beautiful brother that she will never know and it is so unfair.

I hate not understanding any of this. There is no good reason that Sawyer was taken from my arms and there never will be.


Jessica said...

(((hugs))) I wish that I could ease your pain...

Wyatt's Mommie said...

I totally get how you are feeling. I started thinking just the other day that there is a distance growing between me and his memory. But then I quickly realized that although there is distance, thanks to time, it is allowing me to live for him more. I live each day to find another sign of him. I live each day to perfection, knowing that I will be with him in the end. That is how I have to look at it now, so I can live here and he can live there.

But in the end, we will be together!!!

Love you!!!

Whittney Tomczyk said...

I still sleep with Owen's blanket, and it doesn't smell like him anymore either and it hurts.

Jessica said...

I wish that there was something I could do to help ease your Pain. When Mason was 3 months old he coded at home & was gone for over 5 minutes & then he coded 8 more time after that. Mason was born with so many heart defects & there was nothing they could do except give him a heart transplant. Each time Mason coded especially the time when he was gone for over 5 minutes there was this painful feeling that was so unbearable. I know I can't begin to imagine how you feel to be without your little one but I will never forget the feeling of watching Mason die on us several times & the numbness I felt I can only How you mush feel. Please if you ever need anything let me know. Huggs to all of you!!