Tonight's one of those nights where everything is coming at me, all at once.
I can't write about this on Sawyer's blog, it's all too sad. Does that even make any sense, "it's all too sad" to write about it on my dead son's blog?
It's almost been four months. Four of the fastest and slowest days, hours, minutes and seconds of my entire life. I feel like it won't get better ever. Then I feel okay. But when it's bad, it's so very bad. Down into the deepest depths of sadness.
Nothing I could ever do can ever bring him back.
A million tears. Nothing.
Memories are starting to fade and I hate that.
I have the little hat he wore. Two little blue socks. A small bottle of baby lotion. The shampoo we used to bathe him the first and only time. I take it out sometimes and I smell it and I cry. He has one blanket. It doesn't even smell like him anymore and that makes me want to die a thousand times. He is slipping farther away from me. The time between then and now is growing too big. The gap too painful to bear.
I am angry. I hadn't been for a long time, but now I am. I wake up numb. I can't feel my fingers or my toes. My face tingles and I have no idea why. It's just how it is.
And that's what I hate, how this all is.
I hate the beautiful days, because without him here it all seems like such a waste.
I hate the rainy days, because it makes the pain more raw.
I hate seeing Sadie alone. She is not supposed to be alone. She is a big sister. She has a beautiful brother that she will never know and it is so unfair.
I hate not understanding any of this. There is no good reason that Sawyer was taken from my arms and there never will be.