Monday, October 18, 2010


Conference with my doctors today.

Same place he was born.

Same place he died.

It is so hard. Relived every single moment of that delivery. Every one. We went over all the reports. Figured out some things...

I lost over 800 cc's of blood. That's a lot. I had a transfusion. Didn't know that either.

Pathology on the placenta showed nothing wrong - a few small clots. But during the csection, a large pooling of blood and a large clot were noted in the uterus - that's what caused the abruption.

Why? No idea.

Will it happen again? No idea.

I have Protein S deficiency. Yippee.

We know - and this breaks my heart for a million different reasons - that into the final moments before he was born, Sawyer was perfect. Heart rate was great, he scored 8 out of 8 on his last BPP. He had no idea what was coming. He was happy, he was warm and loved - and then he was born. I can't imagine how they got him out of there. It makes me sick to think about it.

He had IUGR - so small and tiny. Of course, we don't have an answer.

We got the go-ahead to TTC. I'm scared.

Life for Erik and I has been one giant shit-storm after another. I would like to think that things can't get worse, but how can I anymore?

I'm trying to put this worry and anxiety into God's hands - because if there is something wrong again - really, what can I do?

The same thing I did before I guess. Pray, hope, love, lose, die, cry.


Jessica said...

I wrote a post just now about reliving sad memories.. it's never enjoyable. (((hugs))) to you - I will be able to ttc soon too and I will be scared also. My love and prayers to you! <3

Kristine said...

I remember when I got Cora's autopsy report. I lost it. Like just went a bit crazy for a few weeks. Take care of yourself. I know this is different, but a similiar premise. Hearing how your child died, doesn't not explain why your child died. No one can ever explain that. And, figuring that out? sucks.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

I wish you the best with TTC. I hope that for once, God will allow happiness without pain.

Much love!!