Stupid ass

Sadie and Lucy (our beloved kitty cat) have a love-hate relationship. Sadie loves Lucy. Lucy hates Sadie. That's about as in-depth as it gets.

Sadie crawled into bed with us last night and when Erik leaves for work in the morning he's supposed to put Lucy downstairs so that she won't wake us up (Lucy is an attention whore).

He forgot today and right on the dot at 6 a.m. Lucy is banging on the door and meowing like crazy.

I was still half asleep but Sadie rolls over and starts hitting me in the head.

"Wake up Mommy!"

"It's not time to wake up Sadie."

"Is that Lucy Mommy?"

"Yeah...Go back to sleep Sadie."

"Lucy is a stupid ass!"

Can't argue with her on that one can I?

Surprise blessing

We went to the cemetery yesterday after dinner and while there, I met the mother of the twins who are buried next to Sawyer.

It was very cold and I had my winter coat on, hood up - facing opposite the wind - so I had no idea that this woman was standing right next to me as I wept and talked to my son.

I turned around and was surprised to see someone there.

She smiled, opened her arms and held me as I cried. We shared our stories and in that moment, I didn't feel the wind or the cold. Just a warmth over my heart that I haven't felt in a really long time.

Erik said as the two of us were hugging each other, the hawk - which we hadn't seen since the end of the summer - lept off the branch of a dead tree and soared over us as the sun set in the cold, November sky.

Dare I say it?

I'm 99.9% sure that Sadie is potty trained. She wears underwear, goes on the potty all the time and has minimal accidents.

She's only 2 1/2! How did this awesomeness happen?!

My only advice for other potty training parents - Bring out the potty. Show it to them, encourage them. But if they fight it, don't push it. Sadie was just ready one day and that's good enough for me.

I'm so proud of Mammers!

This moment

I'm in a sad place and I really shouldn't be, but how can I not be?

Maybe, someday.

You know what would be amazing?

To give birth and not have anything go wrong.

To see my baby right away.

To actuaully hold my child.

But best of all, would be to have a baby who wasn't sick. Who didn't have to suffer. Who only felt love in their mother's arms.

The guestbook

I visited Sawyer's CaringBridge page tonight for the first time in months. I never read any of the comments after he died. I looked at them. I never actually read them, until tonight.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sawyerwilliams

Nothing seems real to me anymore.

He hardly had a chance. We hardly had any hope.

Potty Particulars

When Sadie poops, she doesn't want anyone to see her - so this is what she does. Seriously.

Best day...

I can honestly say today was the best day I've had with Sadie since her brother passed away nearly six months ago. We snuggled, played. We enjoyed this unseasonably warm November weather all day long.

This morning we went for a long walk and ended up at one of the ponds in our neighborhood. Sadie sat down next to me along the edge of the water and we threw rocks and watched the ripples in the warm morning sun for almost an hour. Then we played at the park and I swear I pushed her in the swing for a good thirty minutes before she wanted off. We really enjoyed it.

She's getting so big too.

Over the weekend I decided that she was done with her binky (or a dee-dah as she calls it) and she has done surprisingly well. This is the same kid who screams bloody murder for it on a regular basis. As a reward, we bought her a fun flashlight just for bedtime.

And over the past few weeks I've felt strong enought to finally tackle potty training with her and be consistent. Today, she had on her underwear all afternoon and up until bedtime and didn't have any accidents! She went on the potty four times and came and told me each time she did.

I know it's all such little stuff, but it's the little stuff that makes me so proud and grateful that I am her mother.

Toddler Talk with Sadie

While pointing to my peach-colored pedicure, "I love your finger snails Mommy."

Laughed for a solid five minutes after that one.