Friday, December 17, 2010

Be gentle

Life lately has seemed like anything but.

The days are short and dark. And a depression like I've never experienced has taken ahold of me with a firm grip.

Maybe it's the holiday music. The twinkling lights that remind me of what life used to be like - what life should be like.

It would be nice for a moment to step out of this skin and go back to before the nightmare. To the time when I knew bad things happened, but not to me.

I wish that a lot when I'm sad.

Going back would mean back to the person I used to be and I'm not sure that's what I want. I hated the "new" me after Sawyer died, but now I'm really beginning to embrace and love who I've become.

Sawyer taught me not to fret over the little things. Not to be afraid to love with all of my heart - even if it hurts more than a thousand knives in my chest. He taught all of us to be kind and to realize that you can never judge a book by its cover, because you never know the battle a person is facing at any given time. He has taught us so much about compassion and how to go about life in a gentle way.

I have to remind myself of this when I want to go back. And remember the things that Sawyer's incredibly short life that have shined through in all the darkness.


Wyatt's Mommie said...

I can totally relate. I would love to go back but only to make it so I could still have my baby. Otherwise, I will just stay here. My new understanding of life and everything Wyatt has taught me, I wouldn't give that up for the anything other then to have my Wyatt back.

Jessica said...

I too often think back to the old me and wish I could go back there. I sometimes miss hat naive sensibility. But as Sawyer changed you Riley & Peyton changed me too and I now know the fragility of life and to not take any moment for granted. I am blessed for that. Much love to you <3