Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The bitter pill


Of course I'm happy about our new baby. No shit.

But to say that the happiness isn't constantly interrupted by thoughts of gloom and doom isn't so far off either. Every day I'm grateful and every single minute I'm cautiously optimistic.

It's a horrible feeling to sit through your pregnancy and wonder if you're baby is going to die again. It's a form of suffering that is almost unbearable, until you feel a tiny poke from that miracle growing inside of you. It's a constant emotional battle with myself.

It's been eight months since I last held Sawyer in my arms. Eight months since I had to hand off my only son to a total stranger carrying a little black coffin.

Yeah, sure.

Eight months. But that's not anything. It's a blip in the timeline of my grief.

And guess what?

I'm bitter. I'm pissed off.

You would be too if you were completely screwed out of a lifetime of kisses, midnight feedings or the sweet smell of a newborn's head. And then I see everyone bitching constantly about the woes of parenthood, their jobs and life in general. I literally can't stand it anymore.

So in my bitterness I've sort of resorted to this smart-ass mentality. And that's how I'm dealing with things - I make no apologies for it.

If that's a problem for you - you have some choices.

You can ignore me, bear with me, try to understand or leave me alone.

This isn't easy for me. And I am trying so hard to just try.


Kristina said...

I think you said it perfectly when you said "I'm trying so hard just to try." People who have never been through losing a child will never understand that.

Laurie said...

Love you Michelle. I can't imagine if I am so concerned for my SIL ultrasound coming up in several weeks - what it is (will be?) Like to be pregnant again while always holding a baby that never got to grow up - who will always be a baby... pregnant, while being on the "timeline of grief" and each year only a tiny blip...and I don't even think the first year counts.

God bless you in this. I'm so excited for you, but have no illusions about how not simple it is for you.

Yea. The people in the real world. I hear you. And yep, the choices you gave were perfectly stated and clear. I hope people appreciate having a choice... cause here, we don't get much choice in the matter... we have to live this every day and all the "trying to try"...