A friend sent me some great things for the new baby a few days ago and I finally got around to putting them all away today. While I was making room in a cupboard for everything, Sadie asked me if this was all for the new baby.
I happily told her "Yes, it is!"
"Mama?" She replied. "Is this baby going to die too?"
Instant falling. My knees felt like they were cut off. I sat there on the kitchen floor, surrounded by diaper boxes and baby bottles - and I had no answer.
Tears. Too many. Flowing quickly, the same path down my face. Like a river.
At that exact moment my friend rang the doorbell. Shit. I forgot she was coming right over. I was so embarrassed, but there was no way I could not cry. There was no way I could pretend like things were okay - and that's sort of how it's been for a while now. I've been pretending so that other people can feel better.
"Yes our baby died, but we're expecting again!"
I've said that too many times. There. Feel better? No uncomfortable silence. Instead, a happy "Congrats!" and we're moving on.
But, my baby is dead. And it's an unrelentless circle of grief. And it sucks. Up and down. Up and down. Happy and sad. Laughter and tears.
I am thankful that my friend was here though. Thankful for the hugs and the comfort.
I called my mom immediately. I was on the verge on completely losing my mind. And for those of you who never have lost your mind? Thank God for that.
My mom put it perfectly. My oldest brother was Sadie's age when her baby died. She told me that all Sadie knows is this. She sees you preparing for this baby, just like we did with Sawyer and all she knows is that Sawyer died. And that's just how it is.
And she's right. That is how it just "is." Children accept things so much differently than we do. It's a miracle to be so innocent and a very touching gift from God if you ask me.
So, in light of my near-breakdown - I'm thankful. For a friend like Carrie. For the wonderful support of my mother when these moments hit. For all of you, who care about me and my little family. Thank you.