Sunday, April 3, 2011

Preparing

About the same time last year, we began to prepare for Sawyer's arrival. Washing and folding sweet-smelling clothes and socks. Neatly tucking away blue washcloths with duckies into our linen closet.

Imagining, him. With us.

And here we are again.

Same tiny clothes. Same yellow towels.

And this time, I can't help but wonder what we're really preparing ourselves for. Will our new baby be born healthy? Are we actually going to be able to bring him home from the hospital?

Is he going to die too?

The moments, the smell of spring...

It's all too bittersweet for our hearts. I often find myself breaking down more, frightened by the lack of a guarantee that "everything will be okay this time."

We are so happy that we have been given another chance with a new baby, another boy. Sometimes, there is guilt mixed in with our joy. Such happiness to experience life with a son - while continuing to grieve the loss of our first son, always.

But, I remind Erik that although our new baby is coming - he won't be a baby forever.

Yet Sawyer, always will be.