I always check on Sadie before I go to sleep.
I never did that until everything happened, and I honestly don't know if I'll ever stop checking on her.
Last night I quietly walked into her room, pulled a pink blanket away from her face and gave her a soft kiss.
Her cheek was warm and soft. Perfect for kissing. And then it hit me.
Sawyer's cheeks.
When I kissed them - they were cold. Sunken in.
The thought of it made me gasp.
I never knew what it felt like to kiss his face when it was warm.
I try to think about the new baby and what it will be like to hold him in my arms. But I can't imagine it. As hard as I try, I can't see it at all. Maybe it's my head protecting my heart. Maybe I'm just completely paranoid and it's useless to try and make me feel better about the way I just feel.
After I closed Sadie's door, I sat on the floor in the hallway and just cried. My poor baby, those tiny cheeks.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
If I only knew...
I thought we were doing well.
Today, was hard. Such a small word to describe the enormous pain of reliving every moment of one tiny life.
I feel so much guilt.
We were getting ready to go to bed and I couldn't remember if I prayed the night before he died. I looked at Erik - my eyes filling with tears, "Did I even pray? I must not have prayed hard enough."
How many times did we visit the NICU on his second day? Was it really only three? What kind of mother visits her sick, premature son only three times in an entire day? I never should have left his side. I wouldn't have ever left his side if I knew...
The last visit we had with him was perfect. I held onto his tiny hand and stroked his delicate cheek. I remember talking with his nurse, we were all so hopeful for Sawyer.
The last thing I said to my baby was that I was sorry for not being there more. That every single day I would be able to visit longer and longer as my body healed from the c-section.
It was so hard to leave him that night because he looked so good. His color, his stats - he was stable for the first time since he was born. We went to sleep with peaceful minds, thinking that we had better rest up because the coming weeks and months that were ahead of us were going to be long.
If I only knew...
Today, was hard. Such a small word to describe the enormous pain of reliving every moment of one tiny life.
I feel so much guilt.
We were getting ready to go to bed and I couldn't remember if I prayed the night before he died. I looked at Erik - my eyes filling with tears, "Did I even pray? I must not have prayed hard enough."
How many times did we visit the NICU on his second day? Was it really only three? What kind of mother visits her sick, premature son only three times in an entire day? I never should have left his side. I wouldn't have ever left his side if I knew...
The last visit we had with him was perfect. I held onto his tiny hand and stroked his delicate cheek. I remember talking with his nurse, we were all so hopeful for Sawyer.
The last thing I said to my baby was that I was sorry for not being there more. That every single day I would be able to visit longer and longer as my body healed from the c-section.
It was so hard to leave him that night because he looked so good. His color, his stats - he was stable for the first time since he was born. We went to sleep with peaceful minds, thinking that we had better rest up because the coming weeks and months that were ahead of us were going to be long.
If I only knew...
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