Friday, June 17, 2011

When it hits you

I always check on Sadie before I go to sleep.

I never did that until everything happened, and I honestly don't know if I'll ever stop checking on her.

Last night I quietly walked into her room, pulled a pink blanket away from her face and gave her a soft kiss.

Her cheek was warm and soft. Perfect for kissing. And then it hit me.

Sawyer's cheeks.

When I kissed them - they were cold. Sunken in.

The thought of it made me gasp.

I never knew what it felt like to kiss his face when it was warm.

I try to think about the new baby and what it will be like to hold him in my arms. But I can't imagine it. As hard as I try, I can't see it at all. Maybe it's my head protecting my heart. Maybe I'm just completely paranoid and it's useless to try and make me feel better about the way I just feel.

After I closed Sadie's door, I sat on the floor in the hallway and just cried. My poor baby, those tiny cheeks.


Wyatt's Mommie said...

Believe me, Brian and I just had a convo today in the baby's room about how we can't believe he will be here in 5-6 weeks. We don't feel like it is real, like we are going to bring home a life. We never have before, so this is all new. Scared? Yes. Nervous? Yes. An emotional wreck? Yes. Afraid the same thing is going to happen all over again? Sadly, yes. I think we can't get past the hurt, the pain, the loss to allow us to see that it we will be bringing home a little bundle of joy.

Thinking of you always!!! Love you.

Kristine said...

You make me tear up. Love you.