I always check on Sadie before I go to sleep.
I never did that until everything happened, and I honestly don't know if I'll ever stop checking on her.
Last night I quietly walked into her room, pulled a pink blanket away from her face and gave her a soft kiss.
Her cheek was warm and soft. Perfect for kissing. And then it hit me.
When I kissed them - they were cold. Sunken in.
The thought of it made me gasp.
I never knew what it felt like to kiss his face when it was warm.
I try to think about the new baby and what it will be like to hold him in my arms. But I can't imagine it. As hard as I try, I can't see it at all. Maybe it's my head protecting my heart. Maybe I'm just completely paranoid and it's useless to try and make me feel better about the way I just feel.
After I closed Sadie's door, I sat on the floor in the hallway and just cried. My poor baby, those tiny cheeks.