Waves of emotion

The past few days since Landon's arrival have been some of the most joyous of my entire life. At the same time, I've been overwhelmed with some very deep feelings of guilt.

A few hours after Landon was born, I was finally taken up to the postpartum floor along with Erik. I hadn't even thoght about it, or anticipated anything - but once the doors opened and we were rolled onto the floor - a tsunami-sized wave of emotion washed over me.

I couldn't answer simplest questions from the nurses. All I could do was cry and point toward Erik so that he could do it for me. Everything was a reminder of what we had lost.

Now that we've been home for a few days, there are some moments where Erik and I catch ourselves gazing at Landon and we just cry. Cry for the light and hope in our lives and cry for what we've lost.

I'm sure most couples who have a baby don't start off conversations the way we do...

"When he's sleeping, he looks just like his brother did after he died, doesn't he?"

I truly believe that each one of my children were given to us for a reason. No matter what, Sawyer was going to be our son - and like his epitath says "Angel, you were born to fly."

And now that Landon is here, I truly believe in that sentiment even more.