They have it better, at least.

It's been way too long and I've completely put off any writing here for fear of making public the secrets that will likely haunt my family for the rest of our lives. Every single day is a struggle. I can barely function. I'm losing my memory. And at night, I am haunted by dreams that are so vivid I wake up purely exhausted. I've been off the Ambien for a few weeks, but I'm not sure it's been a good idea - those pesky dreams. Erik's been unbelievably busy at the office which has left me home alone to fend for myself. We are really busy, but there are too many days where it takes every ounce of what's in me to simply roll out of bed and change a diaper. I wish I didn't sound as sad and depressed as I do, but fact is - I just am. The way my life has been flipped upside down and taken over by ghosts isn't how I had it planned. The only thing I can assure myself over and over is that my kids have it better. They have it better than we both did and I will continue to make damn sure of that for as long as they let me.

My interview with Sadie

What is something that makes mommy happy? Sadie: Sawyer What is something that makes mommy sad? Sadie: Sawyer How does mommy make you laugh? Sadie: Tickles! What was mommy like as a child? Sadie: Like me! How old is mommmy? Sadie: 30 or 32 How tall is mommy? Sadie: Really, really REALLY TALL What is mommy's favorite thing to do? Sadie: Play with me. Mommy? Can you play with us??? What does mommy do when you're not around? Sadie: Go to grandma's What is mommy really good at? Sadie: Baseball and soccer What is mommy not very good at? Sadie: The Cubs What does mommy do for her job? Sadie: Dishes What is mommy's favorite food? Sadie: Pancakes If mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be? Sadie: Strawberry Shortcake What do you and mommy do together? Sadie: We play and we love little baby brothers How are you and mommy the same? Sadie: Same hands (which is so true by the way!) How are you and mommy different? Sadie: Our hairs are different and our arms are different How do you know mommy loves you? Sadie: Because you show the good way to love people. Where is mommy's favorite place to go? Sadie: The museum and the mall!

366 days

Landon can clap his hands. He can say hi, "what's that," mama, dada and scream - a LOT. He runs. If you ask him to go in a circle, he will spin in place. He does SO BIG and we taught him how to do "earmuffs" - it's pretty cute. The past 12 months has flown by. I'm so proud of my little boy!

Meatloaf in a Muffin Pan!

I have seen variations of this recipe on Pinterest so I thought I'd give it a go with my homemade meatloaf recipe and try this out. It's not even in the oven yet and the house smells divine.

Here's what you'll need: 1 lb lean ground turkey (or beef) 1 cup dried bread crumbs 1 cup milk 1 egg 1/2 tsp Garlic Salt 1/2 Onion - diced 1/2 Green Pepper - diced 1/2 Cup Carrots - diced Salt and Pepper (to taste) *Preheat Oven To 375 degrees* What I do first - which seems to set the meatloaf apart from other recipes I've tried - is to saute the onions, green pepper and diced carrots in 1/2 tsp garlic salt. It really seals in the flavor and cooks up the veggies good before mixing with the meat. I saute them in a dash of olive oil for about 5-10 minutes, just enough to soften and mix the flavors together. The rest is pretty simple! Mix the turkey, bread crumbs, milk, and egg with the veggie mix in a large bowl. Finally, add a few dashes of salt and pepper to taste. Finally, spray muffin tin with cooking spray so that the meatloaf muffins don't stick and scoop meat mixture into the cups! Bake at 375 for 40-45 minutes. You can also add your own sauce on top. Some people prefer gravy - I make a simple, sweet sauce on top. Mixing ketchup, mustard and brown sugar until it's as sweet as we like in this house. Let me know what you use for your topping! Happy cooking :)

....... knows best

I won't let your actions define me. I hate what you did to all of us.

Too many things have taken me away from you. Every single time I feel as if I'm getting to a better place with my grief, some sort of life-shattering event consumes my life. And that is the way it has been for months now. Again, I haven't had the time or the energy to work through what I so desperately need to work through in order to get to a good place without you in my life. So, now - as it always seems - we go back to a new "square one."

Landon's First Birthday!