Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Please, no repeat.

I've been having serious problems with my leg and back lately. It's at the same pain level that it was last summer, before my back surgery.

My hopes are that it is just an issue with scar tissue - or something that can be taken care of via pain killers that won't make me completely loopy and unable to take care of Sadie.

My worst fear is that it's my disc again, or the one above it. If it's the same disc (L5-S1) it means another surgery - but not like the ones before...worse.

It would mean a spinal fusion, complete with rods in my back and a recovery time of 6 months minimum.

This might sound completely selfish, but I don't know what I would do if it I had to have a spinal fusion. It would mean no brother or sister for Sadie. No sorting through our old baby clothes. No cuddly, sweet swaddling. I can't help but think it would be the nail in the coffin of my mind. I've been dealt a lot of hardship over the past year - and this would be the thing that I think could send me over the edge.

Knowing that I couldn't have another baby would break my heart in two. It really would. There's no other way to feel or explain it.

2 comments:

Jaimes said...

well... I happen to work in the OR doing spinal fusions all the time. I also went through horrible leg pain that kept me awake all night every night, and made a lot of days unbearable.

A) who's you surgeon, out of curiosity? I'm just nosey.
B) I had MRIs done of my back and leg like you wouldn't know. A mild amount of stenosis and no natural curve in the cervical spine, - but not enough for this level of pain - and nothing outrageous on the knee MRI. I was in retarded pain. Nothing helped. Then I became a vegetarian. The pain decreased a TON. Honest. THEN I moved to Texas. It went away.

Maybe it was the weight-loss (it was certainly substantial), maybe I was eating something that was inflaming the tissues around the nerves. Maybe it was the change in climate (from damp to dry). All I can say is that pain went away on it's own after about 4 years of total misery. I was ready for knee surgery. I WANTED them to find something wrong so it could be fixed finally. But weight loss and climate change seem to have cured me.

I hope you stumble across your cure.

Myer said...

I hope that doesn't happen to you. I'm sorry you're feeling bad again. Why wouldn't you be able to have another baby because of it?