Thursday, July 1, 2010

My waves

Today was hard. Saying that almost makes what I experienced today a huge understatement. Everywhere I looked around the house, every single time I looked into my daughter's beautiful eyes - Sawyer was there.

It was one of the first times since we've been back at the house that I didn't force myself to go out and "keep busy." My arms and legs were like rubber, my heart was aching and I felt sick to my stomach all day.

It was probably one of the most beautiful days of the summer, and I couldn't drag myself out of the house and I feel terrible for keeping Sadie so cooped up.

I tried to keep busy in different ways. Researching again all morning long - trying over and over to find another family who has experienced our heartbreak and pain. I have yet to find another mother or father who has dealt with the same type of Truncus Arteriosis that Sawyer had. I just need to know I'm not alone.

After looking for leads, Sadie and I had lunch. Just like we used to before our lives changed. Sitting at the kitchen table, the sunshine pouring in through the windows - we eat our lunch. But the banter is different. I lose myself in almost every moment, thinking of how things could have been. A single tear rolls down my face. Sadie stops her playful talk, looks at me seriously and asks "You okay Mommy?"

No. I'm not. I'm not okay. I miss my baby and I'm just so sad. It's such a small word and it consumes me at almost every moment. Sad.

The grief is just like my mom said it would be. She lost her second baby too, a son. The pain, she assured me, comes in waves. And that's how it's been. Big waves, small waves. There are never days where there are no waves at all. Just like a calm day at the beach, there's always the tiniest wave lapping at the shoreline. Making its presence known, not letting you ever forget.

And that was my day. Huge waves. One right after the other.


About Me said...

I found your blog through facebook. You amaze me. I think it is a wonderful thing that you can be so open about your feelings. I really struggle sharing a lot with anyone besides my husband. I can talk about some stuff with the other angel moms I know but the really rough parts I can only talk about with my husband and then keep it bottled up from everyone else. I would imagine that your ability to be so open about those feelings could be very healing- not right away of course, but down the road. Nothing right now probably feels comforting and that's okay. I just wanted to tell you I admire your openness.

Meva said...

Michelle, there are a lot people out here supporting you, even if you don't hear from us often, you are in our thoughts often. Go to and go to the groups section, put this in as a search "Congenital Heart Defects truncus" I think you may find some leads through that. Yahoo groups is where I found a ton of information on unusual health issues with Perrin, and a lot of support that way. Good luck.

Lisa said...

Hi Michelle.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my baby to a CHD, Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, on New Year's Eve. I know it's not the same issue that Sawyer had, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone when it comes to CHD babyloss. I understand where you are in your head and how you feel.
You are welcome to email me, if you feel so inclined.