Sunday, July 18, 2010

Walking through a nightmare

I swear to God, I've lost my mind.

Last week, Sadie and I took a nap together and the next thing I know, my neighbor is standing next to my bed, letting me know that "They found Sadie."

She wriggled out of my bed, opened my bedroom door then opened the sliding glass door and was found outside in the street. Yeah, you read that right. In the street.

I was so exhausted, so drained, so done with everything. I didn't even know she had snuck away. I didn't even hear the doorbell. Or hear my phone ringing - and it was right next to my head.

Taking care of Sadie, some tend to think, is a welcome distraction. It is in some ways, but most of the time, it isn't. Taking care of a two-year-old is nonstop. And when you have to put someone else ahead of yourself - you can't get better.

I feel like Erik's the lucky one. He gets to leave every day and go to work. He has three hours to himself on the train. I have no hours to myself. Ever.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want people to think I don't care about Sadie, because I do. But, I can't be the best mom for her when I'm a complete wreck. And that's an understatement.

I'm calling a counselor on Monday to set up my first appointment. I need this. I never thought I'd understand what it would be like to be insane. But I get it now. I know insanity.

My head and my heart are doing these things that I can't control. I'm alive - but the world is rushing right past me. And I'm left alone to walk through this nightmare.


Laurie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laurie said...

I could have written this. I hear you. I have to have a pen and paper everywhere because as soon as my brain is off of Lillian for a second I shift into processing.... I keep a journal in the car and one by my bed. I stay up way, way too late because that is my first hours where my brain is not split. Lillian is, in every way a blessing I don't take lightly, but it is so true that dealing with the grief, having time for our other baby is so needed and I keep grasping for moments when I can be alone and hear myself think and be with Gwen.

Whittney said...

I understand feeling insane. I think going to a counselor is the best thing that I did for myself. I feel like it has gotten me to a place that I wouldn't have gotten to on my own for a very long time. It is true that there isn't anything anyone can do to make this better, but I do feel like seeing my therapist helped to give me better coping skills. I hope that you have a good experience with this and that it helps you to heal.

Redheaded Hethur said...

Michelle, I am so glad that you will be seeing a counselor soon. It will really help you a lot. I understand what it must be like to have to focus on Sadie while you are trying to make yourself well. It must be very difficult. Don't feel like a bad mother because you need some time for yourself. There are plenty of people who care about you and are willing to take her while you get through this. I wish I could offer you that help, but you know how it is with me right now. I'm here to listen to you though. I love you.