Thursday, July 15, 2010

My baby

Last night, I couldn't sleep. Tuesday was a difficult day and the reality of what happened really didn't sink in until yesterday. My arms were heavy, aching for Sawyer. The massive migraine that I had the week Erik went back to work, suddenly came back with full force. I was instantly brought back to the pain I had felt nearly a month ago. One step forward, one hundred steps back.

I came to bed late. Erik was already asleep and I had just spent the last hour standing in front of Sawyer's pictures, crying. Searching for any sign that he was with me. Wanting him in a way only a mother who has lost a child can understand.

Feeling so overwhelmed with sadness, I crept into Sadie's room to hold her as she was sleeping. Stroking her cheek and laying my head on her chest. Listening to her heartbeat.

My headache at this point was at its worst, so I climbed into bed and asked Erik to get me a compress to alleviate the pain. When he came back, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. Over and over again I kept saying "My baby, my baby..." and thru the tears I prayed to Sawyer. Sometime after that I fell asleep.

In the past few weeks I have made new friends. Mothers like me who have lost a baby. Friends that I am grateful for. Megan is one friend I have connected with very well. We both lost our babies around the same time and have found much comfort in knowing that we aren't alone in a world that seems to go on when we are so stuck in our suffering.

She sent me this today:

Everyday, I question myself of what heaven is like for children. My mom asked me the other day "do you think there is a playground in heaven?" I didn't respond as I only tried to imagine what it would look like. After she asked me that, I began thinking of who Wyatt would play with, and I thought about Sawyer and Whittney's son, Owen. All day on Tuesday, I continued to imagine the three of them hanging out together and playing on the playground of heaven.

All of this is probably why I dreamed what I did. But my dream was about this woman who came to visit (I never saw her face), but she had this little baby boy with her. He was in his car seat and she put him up on the counter so I could see him. The dream is basically a blur from there, but I remember this baby like it was real. The little boy was probably about 2 months old, he had a perfectly shaped head, and green eyes. I remember asking the mother if I could hold the child and she said I could. As I was picking him up out of the car seat, she told me his name was "Sawyer".

My baby.


Whittney said...

I had a very similar experience the night before my birthday last week... and I completely lost my mind. It is not that I ever forget this has happened (that would be impossible) but that night it just seemed to hit me as hard as it has since probably Owen's funeral. It does feel like 100 steps back. I am so thankful for my babylost mom friends too.. I don't think I could survive without you guys. I hope Owen is playing with Sawyer and Wyatt too and they are all healthy and chubby and so so happy, and I hope they look down on us and are proud.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

Whittney and Michelle -
Without you both, I don't know where I would be right now. Each day I wake, I think of our sons. Each night before sleep, I pray for our sons. I too, hope our sons our together, I hope that is why we found each other, and I hope they are living the best lives possible. And yes, Whittney, I hope they are chubby and happy too....
I thank you both for sharing your stories and being there when times are tough.
Many thoughts and prayers... lots of hugs...

Kristine said...

Much, much love Michelle. Your post has me in tears. <3

Laurie said...

Nighttime. I do hate it. It is always the time that allows my brain to flood with all the images and thoughts about Gwen and that day and all the time before.

Last night Lil woke me for some reason and wouldn't go back to sleep for a while. That then meant I had to "fall asleep" again after being very woken up. So, I had to do the whole thing over again where I see her and die a little... before at last I'm alseep.

I did have a weird dream about a baby... and it was and wasn't Gwen. I will probably forget it before I get to write it down... I love the dream you wrote about. I hope Gwen is there playing with Sawyer and Wyatt and Owen... And, my dear sis-in-law Marie (Gwens Aunt who died the same day as my Gwen) is the one so happily on "babysitting duty" as we like to say she was called for as we try to pretend there is a why to lighten the mood.

I had been thinking a LOT lately about how I wonder if those in heaven get to meet each other because we know each other here. I'd like to believe that. So, maybe she Marie is the one you saw in the dream, the woman taken care of your baby ;)?

I posted some more notes to you as I caught up with your blog. I don't know if you've found them. But I really, really am moved by your butterfly story - I read it after I wrote my vision of grace. I was thinking specifically about an article that I'll send you about a butterfly that landed on someone for a long time... I dug it up the other day since I had been thinking of it. Then I wrote about butterflies and I read your post. Okay...I'm rambling... I have another butterfly story to post later.. but I am so moved that you too have had buttery experiences (they are very symbolic, a friend of mine promised me).