Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Will I ever understand

Today is a bad day.

Everything is swirling around in my head. I think visiting the hospital yesterday brought so much back to the surface, even brought back that feeling of hope before Sawyer was born - that I feel that he's almost with me still.

At night, when I lay in bed, I try to hold my tummy the same way I did every night when I was pregnant with Sawyer. But there is nothing there. Even though I can still feel him kicking inside of me, he's gone.

I just feel so sick to my stomach, knowing he struggled, even before he was born. The only comfort I have is knowing that he had to have felt me holding and cradling him each night.

How can a baby made with so much love have a broken heart?

1 comment:

Whittney said...

I am so sorry. It is so unfair that Sawyer couldn't stay with you and know your love for many many years. The pastor at Owen's service said something that stuck with me, and maybe it will help you too...Sawyer knew love for every second of his life... every single second. That is important. My thoughts are with you and I hope you find some peace today.