Monday, August 30, 2010

The long nights, sad days

Dear Sawyer

I totally screwed up today. I let someone get the best of me. I let my overwhelming grief and yearning for you result in an angry tirade.

I never meant to hurt anyone. I was just upset that another mother could ever hate her beautiful child.

I think about you alone in your coffin. I know it is just your body but I worry about the winter. I worry about how cold it will get and if you'll be warm enough. The urge to hold you in my arms and just for one second look into your eyes will overwhelm me as long as my heart continues to beat.

And yet, others get to hate. How is any of this remotely fair?

Life is going on, I am still alive. It should have been me. Why God wasn't it me?

They say when the moment comes to ask these questions, that the answers won't matter. But, it's the waiting for that moment that is slowly eating away at my insides.

I love you. Every night I pray to you, do you hear me? I've fallen so far down the past few weeks. Looking toward your spirit for hope.

I love you.

24 comments:

heather... said...

Michelle,

I have lost a child, and my heart goes out to you. I understand all the emotions you are feeling. I know how hard it is to hear others complain about their children when you would give anything - ANYTHING - to have your own child to complain about.

What I really mean to say is - you are not alone.

Lots of love to you.

BeautifulWreck said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Your son is beautiful.

piperparadise said...

Prayers for you and your family - lots of prayers and hugs.

Pgoodness said...

So sorry for your loss

Karen said...

I'm sorry for your loss, for the pain you are experiencing.

Teresa said...

Michelle, your love keeps Sawyer warm. {{hugs}}

neeroc said...

I am so sorry you don't have little Sawyer in your arms, for the unfairness of it all.

MommyGeek said...

Love and hugs to you. I am so sorry for your loss. And I am so proud that, even in the face of such grief, you are willing to own your words.

Brittany at Mommy Words said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. To not be able to look into his eyes and have all those moments of his life is heart breaking. I am so sad for you andyour husband and for his big sis Sadie. I have had terrible miscarriages but cannot even imagine the pain you are going through. I just want you to know that your family and baby Sawyer are in my thoughts and prayers. And of course if I could I would hug you...so I am sending hugs.

PrincessJenn said...

I think, all things considered, you're entitled to an angry tirade or three.

Sending virtual hugs and the wish of peace for your heart. Your son will always be your son and special because he is.

xoxo

Jo said...

I won't lie. I saw yesterday's post and my knee-jerk reaction was to leave a negative comment. I was also home from work due to being ill and realizing that my own illness and pregnancy-related hormonal status was not the best.

Then I read some of your older posts. Based on yesterday's post, I might not have read any further but I'm not one to judge on one bad day so I looked deeper.

My heart? It is breaking for you.

Thank you for owning your words and making it right. Based on what you are going through right now, I totally would not have expected it and am not sure I would be quite as transparent.

Much love.

Just Like Birdie said...

My heart goes out to you. I will pray for you and your family. I hope that someday you can find peace. Lots of love to you.

Vixen said...

You are in a very difficult time, I know this from the loss of our grandson two years ago last month.

You own your words and your actions, unlike some others. And I know too well the place you are in and how those feelings can overwhelm.

I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your family. Your little boy is beautiful.

Minnesota Mom said...

Michelle,
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I too am struggling with the loss of my son. He would have turned two yesterday. I spend his first fall and winter anguishing over his little body alone in the cold ground. My heart breaks for you.

I found your blog because of the TFB issue. I'm sorry you are being abused in this way. You don't deserve it.

Hugs

Heather said...

I am very sorry for your loss.

NinjaEema said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm horrified at some of the comments left on your last post. You don't deserve to be berated like that.

Anonymous said...

You had plenty of "angry tirades" before all this recent grief began.

The only reason you are acting like your last post was a "screw up" is cause what you posted was brought to life to TFB. Had that not happened, you wouldn't have gave two shits. You wouldn't have regretted it the next day had it not been brought to her attention. Only YOU would blame your rant on this loss. You know it had nothing to do with the loss. It was you simply being you. You been doing it for a long time. Only difference now is you can give an excuse for it.

Christina said...

I'm so sorry Michelle. :( This post breaks my heart.

You might consider disabling anonymous commenting to cut down the troll-esque comments like the one above.

Michelle said...

@Christina - Thank you I just changed the settings. I wasn't aware I could even do that. Thanks!

Trixieplus2 said...

I commented yesterday on your other post.About having had ppp.I think we should all just try to be more supportive of each other (mother to mother) I really don't know how to work blogs and stuff but I just wanted you to know my heart breaks for you and I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

ginnybelle said...

Hey Michelle,
Here's the comment I posted at TFB. I'm sure it will be taken down, but I wanted you to read it.
Thinking of you,
Maura's Mom

Dear Feminist Breeder,
Thank you so much for teaching me about how motherhood *really* is. I'm still a little unclear, you see, because my experience has been so different.

I went through 9 months of pregnancy. I had morning sickness, afternoon sickness and evening sickness. It started at week 8 and ended at week 39. I had horrible back pain, swollen ankles, mood swings: the whole works.
I complained. A lot. To anyone who would listen.
But overall, I had a textbook pregnancy with no complications or risk factors.

Then I went to my 40 week appointment and found out my baby was dead.
So I never got to hear my daughter cry. Never saw her beautiful blue eyes, never got to be angry with her, never had her headbutt me. Never got to call her a little fucker.

I did get to experience PPD, though. :) Along with the pleasant experience of grieving my only child.

I'm a mother. I will have good days and bad days. I had a good day yesterday when I only had to tell one person that I had a girl but she was stillborn. I had a bad day when I saw a mom and her toddler sharing an ice cream cone and realized I will never do that with my daughter.

You are a mother. You will have good days and bad days. You had a bad day when your child headbutted you and PPD bit you in the ass. You will have a good day when you tuck that child into sleep tonight and he tells you that he loves you.

But we both had a shitty day when you decided to post the url to the blog of a grieving mother on your blog and send your minions to attack her.

To all of you who appreciate the Feminist Breeder for telling it like it *really* is, I salute you. It is important to know that we all have less than stellar moments as parents. Most parents understand and relate to Friday's post at some level.
But for those of us who have a very different experience of motherhood, I would ask for some basic compassion.

Unless she proves me wrong, the followers of this blog will never read my comment. TFB will take it down because I am not falling instep with slavish devotion.
That's fine.

But I write this here with respect to all the mothers out there, babylost or not. May women someday learn to stop being our own worst enemies.

Minnesota Mom said...

Ginnybelle - very well said. I doubt she will have the courage to let her "followers" read what you wrote - despite the fact that it was said with complete grace and respect.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I wish I could give you a hug right now. One of my closest, dearest friends lost her firstborn after two weeks on this earth. I will never forget how shattered she was at the funeral---I didn't have children at that point but I still felt it to the core of my heart---your son is so beautiful and I wish so much that you didn't have to know such pain.

I will say that parenting brings out a lot of emotions and not all of them are good. But, I often think about how my children will feel when they read my blog years later and try to phrase my feelings to do no damage to their hearts. I also do not like when people say really hurtful things about their kids, even if it's just a "throw away" comment. TFB lost my respect a long time ago over a different issue, and this hasn't elevated how I feel about her much.

You are more than entitled to your feelings and reactions. At the same time, the blogging world can be a clique-y, vicious place, and I'm sorry you had to experience it when you have more than enough to deal with right now.

Ingrid said...

I'm very sorry for your loss and what some unkind and thoughtless person is putting you through. Wishing you peace.....
~ingrid