One more time...

You are so beautiful Sawyer. I am aching so much for you right now. I want to feel you squeeze my finger. I want to know what color your eyes would have been.

All I want is to hold you one more time.

Just once.

But, I know that if I had the chance again, I would never let you go.

Baby Naomi

No one should ever have to see what I saw yesterday - Let alone, live it.

My cousin's baby girl - Naomi - died suddenly this past Sunday. She was beautiful. Laid out in pure white, with the sweetest bonnet I think I have ever seen. Lace blanketed her tiny body. To me, she was perfect.

Surrounding her were many pictures and I couldn't help but notice that in every one of Naomi and her father - he was beaming. There is no doubt, she had his smile.

I kept saying to Erik that this was all too much, too soon. But, I don't think it would have mattered when it happened - it's always going to be too soon.

At the cemetery, they laid her to rest right next to Sawyer. They're cousins, you know.

Two babies who never had the chance to meet. Two babies who will never have a first Christmas. Two babies who will never take their first steps.

And now?

Two sets of parents. Too many broken hearts.

No words

My cousin lost his baby girl this morning.

Sometime in the night, she quietly slipped from this world to the next.

When I think my heart can't be any more broken, a new crack forms.

Please pray for his family. This was their first baby, their only child.

Preparing

About the same time last year, we began to prepare for Sawyer's arrival. Washing and folding sweet-smelling clothes and socks. Neatly tucking away blue washcloths with duckies into our linen closet.

Imagining, him. With us.

And here we are again.

Same tiny clothes. Same yellow towels.

And this time, I can't help but wonder what we're really preparing ourselves for. Will our new baby be born healthy? Are we actually going to be able to bring him home from the hospital?

Is he going to die too?

The moments, the smell of spring...

It's all too bittersweet for our hearts. I often find myself breaking down more, frightened by the lack of a guarantee that "everything will be okay this time."

We are so happy that we have been given another chance with a new baby, another boy. Sometimes, there is guilt mixed in with our joy. Such happiness to experience life with a son - while continuing to grieve the loss of our first son, always.

But, I remind Erik that although our new baby is coming - he won't be a baby forever.

Yet Sawyer, always will be.