Hopeful for a turnaround

Erik has a second interview today and I'm hoping that it leads to a great job.

Right now, we actually have around $10K saved up (from our tax return and unemployment that we saved up when he was still getting severance) and it would really suck if we had to blow all of it on bills and a mortgage.

The nice thing, however, is that we actually have this money. If we didn't, I don't know how we would be able to make it right now. Everyone should have that kind of cash in case something like this happens. Hopefully, we'll be able to hang on to most of it and SAVE it.

Originally we were going to add a rec room to the basement - somewhere for Sadie to run around next winter. But looks like that will be put off for a little while. I'm not about moving anytime soon. I really do love where we live. I know it's not a house, but for a townhome - we have a pretty big yard.

Speaking of - I am really excited to plant this year. Bushes in the back and do some nicer landscaping. I couldn't do any of that last year because I had the wound vac on. We're also planting our own garden off the patio. I'm excited!

Please, no repeat.

I've been having serious problems with my leg and back lately. It's at the same pain level that it was last summer, before my back surgery.

My hopes are that it is just an issue with scar tissue - or something that can be taken care of via pain killers that won't make me completely loopy and unable to take care of Sadie.

My worst fear is that it's my disc again, or the one above it. If it's the same disc (L5-S1) it means another surgery - but not like the ones before...worse.

It would mean a spinal fusion, complete with rods in my back and a recovery time of 6 months minimum.

This might sound completely selfish, but I don't know what I would do if it I had to have a spinal fusion. It would mean no brother or sister for Sadie. No sorting through our old baby clothes. No cuddly, sweet swaddling. I can't help but think it would be the nail in the coffin of my mind. I've been dealt a lot of hardship over the past year - and this would be the thing that I think could send me over the edge.

Knowing that I couldn't have another baby would break my heart in two. It really would. There's no other way to feel or explain it.

Zzz's

I never realized how much sleep you can avoid and still be a parent.

I'M TIRED!

Food bank

Today we went to a food bank, courtesy of Grundy County "We Care."

We had to go all the way to Gardner, register and wait for a few hours before we received our food.

The one thing I think most people realize when you are visiting a food bank for the first time - is that it didn't take much to get there. The crowd, I would say, was half young families like ours and half elderly.

While waiting around with our lottery number (we were 102nd in line for food) Erik and I chatted with a lot of different people who pretty much had the same story. For most people, like us, it was the first or second trip to the food bank. It's not like you get enough food to last you an entire month (which is how often the bank comes to Grundy County) but the food you DO get can last a while if you're creative.

We took home pork, shredded cheese, lunchables (which are great for Sadie), bread, juice (which I haven't been able to afford since Erik got laid off in December), crackers and a few other items.

A lot of the food, however, expires or has expired - so it's been frozen. Some of our cheese had mold growing on it and we had to toss it. But hey, beggars can't be choosers.

Thanks food bank people.

My husband

Erik has been working so hard to find another job. Harder than most in my book. I think lately he's started to give up on the fight. As hard as that might be for some to understand, you go three months without a job and only two interviews.

I just don't understand how a company could NOT hire Erik. His personality alone goes such a long way.

As far as everything else goes, Sadie starts on state insurance as soon as I get the bill to pay for it. I don't know if we have been approved for coverage yet, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Erik most likely will, but with my mounds of health problems - who knows.

Well, I'm going to take advantage of Sadie sleeping. And I'm going to try to keep in mind the fact that a lot of Erik's former co-workers have jobs now, maybe that's good news for us?

Thanks Eve

I seriously think mother nature is trying to get back at me for all the periods that my body decided to never have. Ever since Sadie was born - when I get the monthly friend - the pain is excrutiating.

The first 12-36 hours of my period include cramping that is just as bad as, if not WORSE than labor. And just like labor, the pain originates in my back. And for those of you who know someone who's had back labor - you should just go out and buy them flowers or a gift card to their favorite store just because they went thru one of the most evil moments the body can put a woman through.

All I can do is curl up in a ball in bed and hope that Erik will do everything for the next day or two.

If I could go back on the pill, I would do it in a second. But I can't because of the stupid blood clots. AHHH!

What now

Another fork in the road.

Turning point ahead - which way do we go. Which way do I go?

My dreams for all of us will come true. Just going to take longer than I thought.

Gush gush, oh ahhh...lies.

The comparison totally sucks. Saying one thing, meaning another. I think that's completely shitty. And wierd.

I'm not going to be a part of that.